The Advancing Darkness

We were taught from young that nothing lasts forever.
That all things will pass away some day.
When we are older we learnt the extension of this fact.
That people come and go.
Nobody lasts forever.


For a while I thought there are that few special ones that will stay.
I believed in the concept of close friendship.
I showed them who I was.
And they too went away.


For a while I enjoyed the company of someone I saw so special and extraordinary.
Someone that even till now, with all in tatters and corruption, I still saw as special.
We gave each other all that we had.
I tried my best to make her feel treasured and loved.
And in the end she went away too.


For a while I thought I have found someone who would stay.
Someone who wouldn't just give up in the face of negative futures.
Someone who would try to preserve this little space we had in this maddening world.
Someone who understood that in life we can't have everything.
We gain some, we lose some.
In the end she went away too.


Still I did not give that hope away.
I am sure some good was left.
The good we could have used to be different again.


I thought of the day that perhaps things may become clear so that we may talk again.
But it seems as time went by, things went the other way.
How did it turn out like this?
How did making someone feel loved and treasured make them feel more wretched about themselves instead?


And when I finally knew what went wrong.
It seems that this was simply another challenge we can get over.
A sort of a crisis that would lead us into the next phase in our relationship.
I saw hope that it all need not be wasted so.


How can the love you give someone else make her even feel disgusted about herself?
Surely what we had was more than that?
Surely I wasn't the kind of person out solely to cause harm to you while I had my fill?


It all seem to be a big waste.
You could have chose not to look into darkness.
That darkness is always there.
We could have had one chance to fight that darkness.
In the end you gave in anyway.
Afraid and lost, you chose to give up.
Not certain even by yourself what you have just given up.


I tried to look back to you, trying to find that little light within you that you may bring to yourself.
To become the person you can be.
That joyful person with so much potential and positivity.
The one finally willing to throw behind the darkness she once had and have the courage to fight it.
To be finally free from the horrors of the past she had.
To become who you can become.
But you gave up.


You gave up not on me.
You gave up on yourself.
And I was the cause of it.


Not only that.
You focused on your darkness.
Making it consume you.
Making it bring the worst out of you.
Making you reject even yourself.
The you that I was proud of.


I wish I can do something.
Anything.
But you have kept your hands to yourself.
Not just from me.
Even from your loved ones reaching out to you.


And it was all my fault.
I could have done it differently.
I wouldn't have swarmed you with facts you couldn't understand.
When in fact those are the things you wouldn't need to understand.
But I saw you as me.
I cannot forgive myself.


I have once felt alienated before.
By things I couldn't understand.
So helpless and irrelevant that I left.
Never would I thought by treasuring you to the best I could made you feel alienated.
As I felt it before too.


All these really broke my heart.
Again and again.
To see you become what you are now.
Consumed by the inner darkness you have always wanted to fight.
And forgetting what life is about.
Becoming nothing more than a ball bouncing off the walls.
Afraid to do otherwise because of the fear you had within.


I really wish I can do something.
But it seems I am not needed around anymore.
I have become the very thing associated with that darkness.
Even the mention of me makes you disgusted about yourself.
So what use do I have anymore?


May you find the strength to fight that darkness within.
Know that life is full of hope and good things.
Just like what you told me.
And made me see that life is indeed so you did.
Do not fear, it makes you less than who you are.
And I am already seeing it.


The more I see, the more I break my own heart.
Perhaps it is about time I see no more.
It is time I finally close the lid and move on.
I have done all I can.
Even reaching out my hands to you again.
But it had the reverse effect.


If you give in to that darkness.
And go back into what has haunted you.
Not on soul on earth can help you.
Not just me.
Not your friends.
Not your loved ones.


If you think only about yourself.
You will truly only be left with your-SELF.
No one can reach you.
It will just be you.
And you alone.


I have been there before.
I have seen that darkness many years back.
Don't go there.
Give up on me.
But don't give up on yourself.


Deny it as you may.
But that is exactly what is happening.