The Self

Who am I?
Do I know who I am?
In all my daily dealings with the world,
Do I really know the real me within this biological machine?
Why am I who I am?
How did I become who I am today?
Who is this 'Self' that resides in me?
Can I truly know who this Self is?

It is only recently that I begin to know who this 'I' really is.
Each time a great upheaval occurs it tears up the ground to show what is below.
A glimpse of the intricate machinery of this 'I' buried beneath.
Not the whole Self, but only sections of it.
And from these revelations, to further postulate what lies even deeper.

There is no book that can tell me who I am.
No instruction or operating manual.
Even if there is, will I be able to understand it?
If I were to write a book now about all I know of myself,
And show it to a me 10 years before,
Would he be able to understand?
I think it works the same way.

It is consistent with the nature of knowledge.
We will never be able to have complete knowledge of a subject.
We can only try to know as much as possible, and when on demand, make the best possible conclusions from it.

From limited knowledge I have of this Self,
I am beginning to isolate some facts that have been manifesting itself from a long time ago.
I just didn't have the means to see it or the ability to accept it.
What all these are telling me is a Self that is very different from what I thought I knew.
Yep, I thought I knew.
That was a great evil.

There was a point of time when I thought I knew everything.
From the people I love to the workings of life.
Until it all turned upside down to show how much I really don't know.
That woke me up.
By assuming that position I unknowingly risked everything I had.
Even the person I loved.
Not knowing I had done possibly the most dangerous thing in the world.
The moment we stop, we surrender ourselves to the roll of the dice.
It will just be a matter of time before the odds arrange themselves such that the ills will surface.

And perhaps all these while, these 4 years in the making, I have been trying to live a life that is not me at all.
All these while searching for a kind of extraordinary that I am not prepared for.
And when at times I somehow got it, I wasn't able to hold on to them for long.
Others have been telling me that this is who I should be.
And I agreed without knowing what I agreed to.
That was not the me that was meant to be.

It took a major knock to finally throw this to the surface.
Bad habits are bad habits, and they can be changed.
But there are things, so biologically enshrined that they will forever be manifesting themselves within.
That is the Self.
The Self that is first given then shaped through our lives.
And yet so hidden beneath we don't know what it is or what it is telling us.

How do you use what you know of your Self to interact more constructively with our surroundings?
In other words, to be the best of ourselves?
To do what we are best at.
That is perhaps an even more difficult question than knowing your Self.

Perhaps all these months I haven't got used to or accepted the fact that I should be go back being ordinary.
The logical progression that I should accept.
No matter how hard it has all been, I have already got this far.
Another day of this wouldn't be much worse.
And the worse is already over.
Time to have the courage to learn to be ordinary.