Why do I think so much?

To Harmonize

2012-02-16T19:25:00.006+08:00

I do not seek power.
For it is useless without control.
Power confers capabilities, but also great responsibilities.
The wielder of the sword will wound many,
If he does not have strength to control its power.

I do not seek to judge.
For judgement blinds oneself and limits understanding.
But judge we still must, out of sheer necessity.
Without judgement there are no meaning to facts.

I do not seek to do harm, under any circumstances.
It only makes sense to resolve to make the world a better place.
To do otherwise is contradicting to our existence.
But I still cause harm, because I am not perfect.
Intentional or not, it is still harm.

I do not seek to win.
Victory is not the end, but the means to an end.
To seek victory alone is meaningless.
What do you do after the victory?
It is like seeking limitless fortune.
What do you do with it after getting all that money?
I do not want anything that is not mine.

I seek understanding.
The world is an amazing place.
And yet we fall victim to so many false ideas.
The thing is we don't even know which are the false ones.
And we are lead to far away places we don't even know.

Therefore I seek to understand.
Every single person or fact I come across is a resource.
The past is a great place to start.
The intrigues, tragedies and the triumphs.
They help make sense of what is to come.

With understanding I seek to harmonize.
Our world is filled with incompatible concepts.
Most often it is not about choosing sides,
But harmonizing them to produce a compatible concept.
Sometimes one side lose out to the other.
But in time reality always reveals what is the Truth.

Like it or not we have come into existence.
Everything exists for a purpose.
But we were born without a purpose.
Based on what we have, we give ourselves a purpose.

So what is your purpose,
The meaning of your existence?

A Kite

2012-02-07T20:13:00.007+08:00

In a world we would like to have.
Where all our dreams came true.
The sun shines behind gentle puffs of clouds.
Green fields grow from the slopes that seem to stretch forever.
A sea breeze that feels just right and does not bring cold.

And yet the city skyline looms in the background.
Not overbearing, but it all blends perfectly together.
The wall of stone that separates the sea from the harbour.
Ships that lay in docile wait outside.
But the thing most beautiful is the kiss of a lover.

Kites fill the skies, swaying in joyful melody.
High above us all, eyes looking to the heavens.
They each have a story of their own to tell.
Tied to the ground, having allowed to soar only once in a long while.

They all yearn to be free one day.
As we all do.
Then one day one strong gust of wind blew.
The owner of one kite held the line too stiffly.
And it broke away to freedom.

The wind carried it high up above the city.
Away from where it once came.
It chased the clouds, as it always wanted.
In its moment of great joy it never thought,
What will happen when the wind dies down some day.

We were all set free either by accident or design.
But we are more than kites.
We can decide where we go.
We chase more than clouds.
We chase ideas.

We will never know when the wind will die.
Just as we never know if the idea we go after is sound.
But if we do not, then do we just drift around in pointless wander?

Carried away by the moment of freedom we fail to see what is real.
Till the day reality catches up with us when we fly too high.
But somehow we will always end up somewhere.
It may not be where we want to be.
But there will always be something there for us.

Sometimes things just don't go the way we want.
There are places we want to go but there is just no wind.
No matter how good a kite is at catching the wind,
It is useless when circumstances do not allow.
When there is simply no wind.

No matter where we go, there's always something we can learn.
One more fact of life that will make us that much wiser.
Then there is nowhere we will be afraid to go.

Happiness is not about getting what we want.
Rather it is about being at peace with what we have.
While striving within our means for what can be ours.
The whole world may be ours.
But if we are not content,
What then is happiness?

Somewhere Out There

2012-01-29T00:55:00.003+08:00

Everyday somewhere out there, something has changed.
To hate change is to be at odds with reality itself.
And reality always wins.
Today everything around us may seem familiar to us.
Tomorrow it may become something else altogether.

We may believe that we already know enough.
But there's always that missing bit of information we lack.
Someone else's secrets, or things that we cannot comprehend.
Or the things that have changed from the certainty of yesterday.

The fact is that we will never know something in its entirety.
We can only do so much to establish certainty.
And it has taken me so long to learn it.
Fact can only bring us so far.
The rest is up to faith.

It is a fine balance.
We cannot live just on facts alone.
Because we will never something to its full certainty.
That leads to paranoia.
Nor can we live simply on faith.
That is just blunt ignorance.

To live just in faith and without fact.
One day we may become ignorant even of faith itself.

Sometimes the facts become so overwhelming and complex,
That the only logical solution is to step back and look at the bigger picture.
Invoke a bit of simplicity to study complexity.
And in the mean time have a bit of faith to live with uncertainty.
With calm comes understanding.

But of course there will always be those questions that take a painfully long time to answer.
Perhaps we are simply not meant for it yet.
Somewhere deep within us, something is preventing us from making that connection.
Understanding will come with time and maturity.

Somewhere within the shroud of unknown,
You know something is right.
It is difficult to define it, but your heart knows it is there.
Have the faith in that uncertainty, and live in the hope that more will be revealed to you.
For you know what lies there is right.

Fact and faith lives with each other.
Knowledge and wisdom establishes certainty.
And faith conquers the uncertainty that cannot be made certain.

As It Is

2012-01-15T16:44:00.002+08:00

All these while a fire rages in me.
An anomaly stirring within that keeps calm at bay.
A barrier to the clarity I once had.
For too long I have tried to combat it.
Sometimes it got less, but there is no permanent cure.

In this place I have not visited for a long time.
I go in and surrender myself.
All my emotions, all my wants.
Until I am who I am, without all prejudices and the rules that bound me.
In here there is no joy or sadness.
No good or bad.
And all things are reduced to nothing more evil than pure numbers.

Here I can directly see a subject's physical being.
Without emotion or purpose.
It is what it is.
The purest form facts can exist.
Down here there are no interests or desires.
Only strategic calculations.
Certainty is only limited by the extent of my perceptions.

I do not see joy or excitement, for it is deceptive.
I do not see sadness, for it does not make sense.
There is no disappointment, because there is nothing to lose.

In here it is all silence.
The noise off all things are driven out by temporary peace.
All the mindless restrictions, dogma and rules are thrown out.
The mind runs free.
Difficult questions are made simple.
Even the most absurd connections are made.
They are regulated by a form of universal necessity.

Here I saw the cause of the problem.
In this sphere of near perfection I zoomed in on the imperfection.
Without the protection of emotions, that imperfection is helpless.
It does not have a hold over me.
With ease it was surgically removed.
As it should be, without joy, sadness or regret.

And suddenly thoughts flow without resistance or hesitation.
The heavy chains that once bound them together are removed.
The dead end is no more.
The fire is put out.
I have lasting peace once again.

It was a moment of grace.
With clarity I see the world.
Information flows with great efficiency.
The burdens of yesteryear seem a lot clearer now.
I have seen it bare and naked.
I do not fear it anymore.

This is only the first step.
The road ahead is long, to keep it all at bay.
Knowledge is half of the cure.
The rest is up to us to make it so.

Abort, Retry, Fail?

2012-01-04T21:24:00.009+08:00

It is so natural of us to be afraid to fail.
But in a complicated world like our's, isn't it a common place to fail?
It is us against everything else.
They all seem so tall and mighty.
There are so many things we do not understand.
The odds stacked so greatly against us.
How not to fail?

And because of this fear to fail, we fear to try.
It is a common story we see everywhere.
We start out everything with great enthusiasm.
Only to be cowered by multiple, sometimes catastrophic failures.
Because of this wound we are afraid to risk anymore.

Fear makes us turn away from doing even what is logical.
It forms mighty fortresses that are safe havens to hide in,
But they do nothing to solve our problems.
The false sense of comfort only make us believe things are fine.
But the fault still exists.

It all seems so unexplainable, even mythical.
As if the world is modeled such that individual endeavors are made to fail.
Because of the hurt we would rather ignore and dispose of the failure.
But aren't we combining fear and ignorance together?
That is even scarier than failure itself.

Failures are logical.
They happen for a reason.
Hurt though they may be.
But they are like data from a failed experiment.
In experiments you try and try, altering different variables and observe the results.
Until you get what you want.

At times we won't even get what we want.
Surely we don't dispose of the empirical truth for something that we would prefer?
The Truth is the Truth.
There is no escape.
And facing it is the first step to making things right.

Because of a few failed attempts we give up altogether.
Doesn't it mean that whatever we set out to do will always remain flawed and failed?
If we don't try and discern what really went wrong, how do we make the wrong right again?
Surely we cannot expect to get everything right in one go,
Given all the complexity around us.

Just look at history.
We have been trying for millennia and are still far from it.
We still kill each other, and multiple incompatible versions of Truth float around.
But we have managed to get a few things right.
Even these we only get them after much suffering.
If humanity has given up only after a few tries,
We would have never progressed beyond animal instincts.

Keep trying.
Accept that failures are the norm.
It is, in a complicated world like our's.
Look at all things with a fair heart.
Things will become clear.
The only thing that is stopping us from doing what we must is fear.

Fear.
Even I struggle to break free from it.
Time has built so many levels of it.
So much that I don't even know the cause for some of it.

But try even in the midst of fear we still must, if it is sound.
It is our only hope.
Our Light among the ruins of fallen trees.

2011: Hate Made Illogical

2011-12-31T10:49:00.003+08:00

We live a busy life.
Things happen so quickly that we have no time to stop and think.
The amount of information we must process is astronomical.
Yet somehow we all did it in our own ways.
Some have better systems at processing this information.
Some don't.
But we all learn as we go along.

The last day of the year somewhat reminds us to stop and look back.
How has this year been?
What are the things I have learnt?
And perhaps those I have yet to learn?
What does it mean for the year that is to come?

This year has been relatively peaceful for me compared to the last.
I understood the value of peace towards the end of the last year.
And I attempt to live it out in this.
It was all building on the changes made last year.
The results have been good.
With this peace I have understood even more things.

Hope is the fuel driving the engine.
Looking at things with rational optimism.
I've learnt to select paths that have greater potential.
And that includes thoughts and ideas.

With hope one is motivated to see the big picture, and to find out more.
If it is not possible, at least we understand why.
That in turn makes it easier to accept.
If it is possible, then we can exploit its advantages to the fullest.
Failure or not, it is a chance to learn.

As I see the potential of the things I learn,
I also saw its inherent limits.
The concept by itself is sound.
It is us who often fail at perfect execution.
And at times we are only allowed one shot at it.
When it is gone, it is gone.
This apply to many things in life.

The more we see, the better we get.
It will either reinforce or correct the accuracy of our views.
Sadness and heartbreaks are but the price we pay for these lessons.
It was by being fools that we will come to be wise.

I end the year with great satisfaction, considering the progress so far.
And yet with that we also think about the things that can be done better.
People that we hurt along the way.
Why was it so?
What can be better?
And how the next year can be better?

There are things that we wish for a chance to make it right again.
And yet events are such that it is no longer possible.
I have to find the way to reconcile that within myself.
There is much to learn from this.
So that the same hurt will not be inflicted on others again.
As with all things dealing with emotions, it has never been easy.
But the more daunting the task, the more we learn.

Peace has made Hate illogical.
Understanding has made a fool out of Ignorance
I am thankful for what I have learnt this year.
I do not wish for a good life in the next.
But I do pray for the strength to face whatever that may come.

Welcome 2012.
And the next step in the journey of life.

The Lie of Simplicity

2011-12-22T17:59:00.007+08:00

We are a shallow people.
So often we claim to seek the Truth and celebrate looking into the depth of matters.
But in truth we seldom are able to look beyond appearances.
We settle for half-truths quickly, without patience to wait for more.
We allow that half-truth to take over us.

And so we live in learned ignorance.
A foolishness we are completely oblivious to.
And we are proud of it.
Yet all of that is manifested in the emptiness growing within ourselves.
An emptiness we cannot explain.

Is it society's relentless drive for quick results?
As long as one is able to cheat the system he is counted as a success?
Perhaps that has eroded our patience as well.
The big ideas no longer seem so attractive anymore.
They look more like lumbering giants, irrelevant and cumbersome.
Frozen beneath the thick ice of ignorance.
What matters now is how shiny its surface is.
Not how solid its interiors are.

Yet what is held dear by the masses does not automatically hold true.
The imbalance in a system corrects itself.
What is false will fail one day, along with the entire system.
Even then we would not say that it is false.
How could it be, it was said to be true by everyone.
By then we blame ourselves for being unworthy.
We say that God does not exist.

But what is true has not changed.
What makes a sound concept still stands tall and relevant.
It is simply abandoned by the masses because of its complexity.
So big that we give up to look at it at all.

We were all deceived by the lie of simplicity.
And all drunk with it.
All its promises for quick results.
We celebrate it as progress.
But in fact we are taking many steps back.
The shell becomes more and more hollow.
The emptiness grows.

We all fall for it.
It is too tempting and soothing to the ears.
Too easy to believe in.
All its promises so bright.
And above all, everyone else is doing it.

Success is measured by deceptive figures.
It encourages us to cheat the system in order to succeed.
But it is easy to get lost here.
Soon we are optimized for these indicators
And worse, we believed in them.

We succeed, yes.
Or put it in this way, we have become beautiful.
But what have we become?
Are we still recognizable anymore?
We are a mighty shell on the outside, decorated full of honours.
But within we live a pauper's life, empty and grimy.

There is no shortcut.
To understand we need to walk down the long, deep path.
A path we may become lost and even despised.
But what is true explains itself.
What is grounded in fact will still work, regardless of how the masses work against it.

At the end of it all, reality is like an acid,
Melting away the weak coatings covering the Truth.
It will stand the test of time, and it will explain all things.
It will triumph our current understanding of Logic and Reason.
They are limited in their functions, not because they are flawed,
But because they are incomplete.
They become flawed when we take the incomplete and treat it as complete.

If we look closely enough,
With a fair heart and mind.
Away with all the common prejudices and conceptions.
We will find what is true to be simple and pure as always.
Never has it changed, from the past till now.
Yes, the Truth is simple.
But the way to it is not.
Executing and following it is hard.

Why Should We Ask Why?

2011-12-17T22:23:00.003+08:00

Have we ever asked ourselves, why are things made this way?
If the world is indeed wicked, why does it still remain?
Or as simple as why is this cup made in this shape?
Is it pure chance, a freak accident, or a deliberate act to modify status quo?
All these have logical explanations.
No matter how complex something may be, it too has it beginnings.

Why should we know?
We are swamped with so many things already.
There is no time.
But what if understanding makes it easier to accept things the way it is?
Perhaps things are such because there is no better way out for now?
And if there is what can we do about it?

We all complain.
Things can be better.
But we often stop short of asking how.
And even from there we should conclude with asking: what can I do about it?
If I can do nothing then should I accept it for now.
And thrive within its confines?

It is not accepting defeat.
He simply adapts and makes do with the situation.
He still moves forward, but within a boundary defined by what is possible.
Even if it makes him uncomfortable.
Even if it is inefficient.
It is the best that we can do for now.

And would that give you peace?
Peace to discern how things are now.
So when the time is right we break out of the confine to seek out more.
To make things better.
The way we all want it to be in the first place.

One cannot simply move forward at will and without understanding.
It is dangerous. We get hurt.
Then we most often complain and blame others.
But have we asked ourselves if we could have been more prudent?
It could have turned out better, or avoided altogether.
Yes it is relevant.
It is a blueprint for the future.

It is easy to cast blame.
But will it make us better?
We may of course choose to do what we want.
But if it does not improve us and make us better, then what is it purpose?
Are we wasting our time chasing things that are meaningless?
If it does not serve a beneficial purpose, whether directly or indirectly,
Then should it even exist?

If we decide that it should still exist,
Then we must be prepared for its costs.
Whether they are costs we pay now, or somewhere later in future.
We blame no one, because we have made that choice.

Such is how things work.
The total amount of energy in a system is conserved.
Nothing pops out of nowhere.
It is always a product of a decision made some time ago.

So at the end of it all,
If it is something we cannot do anything about,
Why remain angry?
Why let it affect your thoughts?
Things can indeed be better.
But they lay in the future.
How it will all end up?
It is all up to us.

Once In A Long While..

2011-12-08T21:40:00.004+08:00

When you go to a place by the riverside,
Where you see the bright lights and tall skyscrapers.
On your left you see three tall tablets supporting the Skypark,
and on the right, the iconic city skyline.
Would you think about the vibrant energy around you,
or the memories that once brought you joy?

We were once hopeful and without worries.
Playing games and thinking about the future as if we already knew.
But reality will always ensure that the illogical are pruned away.
And at the end of it all we are but fools with a long way to go.
We all learn some day.
The future will be better.

Once in a long while in our life,
There comes an event that would drastically reshape who you are.
All the past idea and principles totally rebuilt.
And they are often not pleasant events.
But at times we learn better through the hard way.
It may the only way we will learn.

Things happen for a reason.
Do they?
Well to me it is better that they do.
It gives reason and meaning to our past.
Whether are we well or ill now, it has a logical explanation.
If the past was bad, at least it has brought good.
If the past was good and things eventually come to fail, at least we can know why.

On hindsight it makes us understand why it happens.
We grow and we become more solid.
It is all in preparation for the future.
The chances of things turning out well will be better.
We don't need to walk back paths of thorns again.

It brings a certain level of predictability for the future.
It is at least within a certain level of our control.
And if that would make us pursue things more vigorously,
Why not?

Whether have we learnt it through comfortable or difficult ways,
A lesson it is we have learnt.
I have learnt to be thankful.
At least it will keep hate at bay.
So that the future will be cleaner.
Lament not the pain that has passed,
But treasure the knowledge that we have gained.

It is heartbreaking that in our journey to learn, people will get hurt along the way.
Especially those we want to hurt the least.
Sorry is the last thing we can say.
It all happens for a reason isn't it?
Some day we will understand.
We don't have a choice, because we have made that choice a long time ago.

Tired of aiming high and falling down again.
Need a little break, and more understanding before flying again.

Filling Life With Colours

2011-12-01T21:27:00.004+08:00

Happiness is a scarce commodity.
It fades out like most things in life.
Just like the fireworks that burns brightly for short instances.
That colourful sunset once every rare evening.

The flowers that bloom for only a short while every year.
The laughs that dies down after every joke.
Life gets dull, and happiness may run out.
We just have to keep finding new sources of it.

It is an instance of an imbalance correcting itself.
When life gets dull, we set out to fill it with colours.
We make it a life worth living, something we can be proud of.
We maximize its potential and attempt to extract the most out of it.
Especially during the times in our life when we don't have much on our hands.

Sometimes we need not look far.
Life can be happy with little on our hands.
The further we look, the more we have to be responsible for.
It is easier for us to lose focus and end up with the wrong things.
Look only with prudence and understanding.
What is right and what is wrong.

We all have a choice to decide what to fill our lives with.
This will in turn shape who we are.
We all know what is right or wrong.
So if we want a life that is right, then fill it up with all the right things.
There is no logic in embracing mostly what is wrong, and hope things will turn out fine.
Life simply does not work this way.

In order for happiness to last, we need to build a stable foundation for it.
We need to embrace the right things and to build them strong.
Understand their nature and the costs associated with them.
So that we may know how to sustain them in all situations, and not be caught off guard.

For happiness that comes fast and easy, they go away fast too.
The shallow things that offer cheap satisfaction.
Those that colour only the surface but does not run deep.
Soon we lose their colour and life becomes dull again.
Go not for these, but for those that last.

We are what we do.
Knowingly or unknowingly, we shape our very nature.
And this in turn dictates what we will do in future.
Wisdom does not come easy; sometimes the price of it is a lot of pain.
But we all learn don't we.
Just make sure we learn the right things.

No matter how good life is, it is still uncertain in nature.
Things may change without warning.
The only certainty is a good foundation based upon the right things.
Things that will last.
Colours that will not fade.

Shouldn't these be what we strive for?
Rather than those that gives a big bang first but goes dull and silent later?
It is all back to the basics, before looking far and exotic again.

A Little Faith..

2011-11-26T22:18:00.006+08:00

Emotions are tricky things to handle.
Very seldom do they provide us with a clear picture of what is.
They often exaggerate or bring down the actual magnitude of something.
And when their influence is at its strongest, it makes us do stupid things.
It also gives us dark thoughts, things that we may not be ready to handle.
In the long run we may hurt ourselves, to levels we may not even understand.

Yet emotions also provides the motivation for seemly impossible tasks.
It gives us the impetus to strive for greater heights.
A single minded determination to drive ourselves.
One that will find its way through the obstacles placed before us.
A passion that smashes through everything.

Whether does it do us good or ill, emotions are something we must contend with.
To know when to listen to it and when not to.
Like so many things in life it has two sides: it may aid us or kill us.
Given sufficient understanding of our own emotions, we can exploit them to our advantage.
To minimize its ills and magnify its advantages.

There are things even emotions cannot cheat.
We need to look at the facts with a fair mind and without prejudice.
The practical effects on things in our lives.
From here we make a decision based on what we want.
Understand what is possible or not.
We may hide ourselves from the whole world.
But at the end of the day we still need to be truthful to ourselves, in order to find the way forward.
If we cannot take charge of our own future, who can?

Very often it is difficult to be truthful to ourselves isn't it?
Especially when the facts we see so contradict what we want.
We may choose to believe otherwise.
Yet at the end of the day reality still comes knocking on our door.
We may delay the inevitable, but we are still answerable for ourselves and loved ones.

Such is life, full of contradictions and difficult choices.
Make a choice, and we may end up having to give up the things we want.
Yet it may be even worse to not make any choice at all.
We must find the strength to look beyond our emotions and at the hard facts.
To resolve these contradictions so that we can make the right choice.
We cannot have everything in life.
Disappointment is just something we need to learn to be strong against.
In order to achieve something, we must be ready to pay the price and effort for it.

It is here I have found my peace.
Peace is not wholesale ignorance or isolation from what is around us.
Rather, it is to look at our concerns with a fair mind, an to make a resolution from there.
And to accept the costs associated with it.
Knowledge alone does not save us.
It is what we decide to do with it that counts.
We may try to make things easier for ourselves, but we always need to keep the original goal in mind.

Escape only brings us even more contradictions.
We may hide now, but for how long before we will need to face them again?
It may be tomorrow, it may be many months or years from now.
Or worse, at a time when we need the least of these contradictions to be present.

There comes a time when the 'why' becomes less important than the 'what's next'.
After all it is over.
The answers of what is right or wrong will come back to us in the future.
The least we can do is to be thankful that we were given a chance to go through all these.
Have some faith.
A little faith can do big things.

Crisis often provokes innovation.
Through hard times we learn and find our peace.
It is only here where we begin to treasure the right things.

Dead End

2011-11-22T20:42:00.004+08:00

Think of a lab rat let loose in a maze.
Intricate and complicated it seems.
Lost in its internal complexities and uncertainties
What is certain is that there is an entrance and an exit.
And yet no matter which path the rat takes, it ends up at the same dead end.
There is no way to cheat or think your way out.
It is just a dead end.

Where has all that positivity gone?
Replaced by all that conservatism and restrain.
Hope is a good thing to harbour.
But it does not necessary reap the rewards we wish for.

I've recently heard someone said:
"Hope is the belief in something we cannot see.
But hope does not change the facts we have to face."
We cannot hope blindly and ignore the facts that at the end of the day we must contend with.
It is reality that rules the day, not just hope alone.
So we may hope.
But if we ignore the facts, no one can help us.

That brings me back to the dead end.
Hope (or in some cases, desperation) is what drives the lab rat to look for the way through.
It may hope that this path may be the way through.
But the fact is that it is not.
A dead end is a dead end.
No amount of hope can blast through a dead end.

And so what is the use of all that positivity, if not applied at the correct places?
In the end it will all come to a waste, driving the rat around a hopeless loop.
I'm not saying we don't need positivity, but it must be rational.
At the end of the day, facts are facts.

I'm tired of all that positivity that leads nowhere.
All that small hopes of things getting better.
But nothing is.
It still is.
Too early to reap the rewards perhaps.
It is enough of hopes and dreams dashed already.
Time for a little break from all of that internal positivity.
Maybe being a little more down to earth for a while will be good.

So many things going through my mind now.
Have this strong urge to splurge it all out to somewhere, or someone.
But who will be able to understand?
And even if they do, what use will it be?
Sympathy is not what I need, or want.
Only I can find the way through myself.
And if I won't do it, no one else can.
No one else will.

This is a lonely path I must take.
I can't help but to say, one can only hope things will get better.
We still need hope don't we?
Just that at places where we need them the most.
Things will turn out better, one way or another.

Just like the maze.
Many dead ends within.
But we do know there is an entrance and exit.
Someday, somehow, if you just follow one side of the walls, we will still get out.
It is just a matter of time.

Untainted

2011-11-16T20:13:00.005+08:00

Don't we all seek to be happy in life?
Doing the things that lead us to what makes us happy?
It makes sense to rationalize that all our actions should be to fulfill that aim.
We have that vision, and we take the first step out to achieve it.
And if we do not live to be happy, then what for?

Life is tricky and deceptive.
If we are not careful we may lose track of our original purpose.
In the end we lose our way and even start to hurt ourselves.
We often hurt ourselves with hate.
Hate for our own inadequacy.
Hate for the misdeeds of others.
Or even for when things did not go our way.

Hate is the main driver behind unhappiness.
Its very existence makes one unhappy.
Not just that, it brings fairness away from us.
So why keep it in the first place?
Why hate when it doesn't fulfill our most basic goal in life?

I guess things all happen for a reason.
There are logical causes behind each occurrence.
It may be one of design, it may be one of probability.
Finding out what went wrong makes us stronger for the future.
If we already decide the past is less than happy, why dwell constantly on it?
Why not make a bid for what is to come, and fight to make the future happy?

Things seldom go wrong because only one party is at fault.
We all have a part to play that could have prevented its occurrence.
We may know it at that time, we may not.
But now we know, it does help us to prevent it in future.
One less cause for unhappiness.

Things go wrong now so that things will go well in future.
Through our inadequacies we are healed.
By being fools we have made ourselves wise.
We shouldn't reject our foolish self.
By knowing where that foolishness is, we can fix it to prevent it from harming us again.
The scariest thing is not being a fool, but not knowing you are a fool.

Bit by bit we learn.
Slowly we inch our way towards that happiness we are after.
By hurting we learn.
By falling we learn to find the strength to climb up again.
Building upon what we have now and had before.
Accepting who we are so that we can be better.
And by being better we are closer to happiness.

I count what I had before.
I've decided to leave those memories untainted.
To separate the right from the wrong.
Without hate, without regrets.
We all need to remember moments in our lives when we were truly inspired.
When we know we have that happiness we want.
That reminder we all keep in our hearts, so that we will not forget our original goal.

And those were truly beautiful memories.
Why waste them?

It Is Done

2011-11-11T17:45:00.005+08:00

The Truth is simple now.
Its all gone.
Just like that, in a blink of an eye.
And it is not coming back.
Nothing is left.

What perturbs me is the speed at which it happens.
No warnings.
No alarms.
No series of events leading to the grand finale.
It just struck like that out of the blue.
And leaves just like that.

And now it is finally dead.
Dead not because men has exhausted all means to verify its survivability.
But dead because men has given up.
Men has made it so.

It was given up by an act of fear.
There was this strong perseverance to move on and even reject the past.
A great show of strength.
But nonetheless one out of fear.
One of weakness.
Retreating back into the dark confines.
All out of fear.

The tales of the old days are gone.
Really all gone.
All shot in the head at point blank range.
No remorse.
No mercy.
And its corpses lay rotting in the mud.

Just like the rest you gave up.
Just like the rest you left.
My view still stands.
You are special and extraordinary.
Just one beaten by fear.
Just like the rest.

But I will fret no more.
I have given this matter credit beyond what it deserves.
I have done my part.
I am tired.
Very tired.
I just want some peace.
I just want to some place to heal.

I have given in my all.
And if this is the result, then so be it.
Take it as I lack the fortune and foresight.
Take it as God's will.

At least I tried till all road has ran out.
At least I did not fear.
At least I didn't run away.

When I was weak I showed you I was weak.
When I was strong I showed you I was strong.
I was myself.
I showed you the Truth.

The old rules still stands.
An imbalance will always correct itself.
And so in the coming days, let the imbalance correct itself.

I do not look at it all with hate.
Just with frustration.
Frustrated that a person dear to me was defeated by fear once again.
Frustrated at how despite all the hard work and time it was struck off just like that.
Frustrated at what a waste it was.
So much potential, and yet it was given all up.

I am done with this issue.
You have what you want.
If darkness it is you choose, so be it.
I can do no more.

Prison of Fear

2011-11-07T19:49:00.006+08:00

There comes a time when you start to seriously question yourself,
How much more should we try.
Whether is the matter expired beyond even words.
That we should really just mothball it and for once have the courage to move on.

Many months back I had the fortune to know you.
You were not afraid of what is happening around us.
What we both call the excesses of life.
You had the courage to stand up to it and say you want no part in that madness.

We all have a past that is not so glorious.
Parts we don't want others to know.
However you had the courage to stand up to it.
You said screw it, I want to live for the future.
The past will serve as a lesson for the future.
We were not afraid.

We knew each other as individuals who could stare in the hard Truths of life and smile.
That having a positive mindset and the tenacity to try is the way forward.
And lived that we did.
I was the luckiest man in the world for a while.
But that fortune ran out.

Now the person I see is consumed by fear.
Fear of the unknown.
A person consumed by the darkness of her past.
Unwilling and afraid to try and overcome them.
Fear of the sudden weight of matters faced by her.

But as always you are not alone.
We could have fought it together.
I could give you the time we need.
You are worth it all.
My hands were outstretched.
And I have done so more than once.
All you need to do is to reach out and hold it.

I had my own changes to do.
Faulty was the old system.
But I see a chance to change for the better.
To still go on in a manner new to what was before.
A shot at the future.
Not afraid at the odds.
Willing to try.
Because you still matter to me.

But blinded by darkness you still are.
Unable to be who you truly are.
You chose to listen to the evil voices in the dark.
It covered your ears and eyes.
And not able to see and hear you fought against those trying to reach you.
And in the end no one can reach you.

Like a swordsman with his eyes covered.
Indiscriminately attacking all that gets close to him.
Yet unwilling to remove his blindfold for fear of what he will see.

It is not that you have changed.
You are who you are.
Yet poisoned by fear.
The good in you still exists.
Largely ignored.

You have went back to hide in that darkness.
Hiding what you do not want others to see.
And deny the facts the others saw.
I do not despise what you were before or now.
I just don't want you to be shadowed by darkness or alone.

You may hide things from others.
But the only person you cannot lie is yourself.

You have abandoned reality for what seems to be comfortable.
And no matter how dark they are you still chose to listen to them.
Because they give you comfort.
You have abandoned the future and ran back to your past.
Because at least those you still know, and the future you don't.
But who will know what is to come?
At least we still try.

And now there is nothing I can do anymore.
I cannot force a person to remove his blindfolds.
He must remove it himself.
I believe you will remove it someday.
And become the person you ought to be.
One who listens to her good and fights bravely against her darkness.
A darkness that everyone has within.
But perhaps I wouldn't be around to see it.

I am not afraid of heartbreaks.
But as long as I see worth in it, I will try.
But there is a logical limit to perseverance.
The line between perseverance and blind stubbornness is thin.
It is time I stop.

You are still the most amazing person I know thus far.
I saw the darkness within you and accepted it.
If one day it did come out I am prepared to deal with it.
But I cannot do anything if you don't reach out your hand.
If alone you need to go from here, then be on your way.

I will always remember the strong girl I once knew.
The one who would bravely stand up and say I dare.
One willing to ignore her past to strive for the future.
One whom I saw staring into the face of great odds and said 'Let's do it!'
A strength that once captivated me and I still admire.
A strength still present in you.
A strength I promptly learned.

At least I did myself a favour and tried.
A feeble attempt, but I did what I could.
I trust what I saw.
More cuts from your sword I have received.
But it is only because you were blindfolded.

I do not blame you.
The only person I will blame is myself.

The Advancing Darkness

2011-11-07T14:17:00.006+08:00

We were taught from young that nothing lasts forever.
That all things will pass away some day.
When we are older we learnt the extension of this fact.
That people come and go.
Nobody lasts forever.

For a while I thought there are that few special ones that will stay.
I believed in the concept of close friendship.
I showed them who I was.
And they too went away.

For a while I enjoyed the company of someone I saw so special and extraordinary.
Someone that even till now, with all in tatters and corruption, I still saw as special.
We gave each other all that we had.
I tried my best to make her feel treasured and loved.
And in the end she went away too.

For a while I thought I have found someone who would stay.
Someone who wouldn't just give up in the face of negative futures.
Someone who would try to preserve this little space we had in this maddening world.
Someone who understood that in life we can't have everything.
We gain some, we lose some.
In the end she went away too.

Still I did not give that hope away.
I am sure some good was left.
The good we could have used to be different again.

I thought of the day that perhaps things may become clear so that we may talk again.
But it seems as time went by, things went the other way.
How did it turn out like this?
How did making someone feel loved and treasured make them feel more wretched about themselves instead?

And when I finally knew what went wrong.
It seems that this was simply another challenge we can get over.
A sort of a crisis that would lead us into the next phase in our relationship.
I saw hope that it all need not be wasted so.

How can the love you give someone else make her even feel disgusted about herself?
Surely what we had was more than that?
Surely I wasn't the kind of person out solely to cause harm to you while I had my fill?

It all seem to be a big waste.
You could have chose not to look into darkness.
That darkness is always there.
We could have had one chance to fight that darkness.
In the end you gave in anyway.
Afraid and lost, you chose to give up.
Not certain even by yourself what you have just given up.

I tried to look back to you, trying to find that little light within you that you may bring to yourself.
To become the person you can be.
That joyful person with so much potential and positivity.
The one finally willing to throw behind the darkness she once had and have the courage to fight it.
To be finally free from the horrors of the past she had.
To become who you can become.
But you gave up.

You gave up not on me.
You gave up on yourself.
And I was the cause of it.

Not only that.
You focused on your darkness.
Making it consume you.
Making it bring the worst out of you.
Making you reject even yourself.
The you that I was proud of.

I wish I can do something.
Anything.
But you have kept your hands to yourself.
Not just from me.
Even from your loved ones reaching out to you.

And it was all my fault.
I could have done it differently.
I wouldn't have swarmed you with facts you couldn't understand.
When in fact those are the things you wouldn't need to understand.
But I saw you as me.
I cannot forgive myself.

I have once felt alienated before.
By things I couldn't understand.
So helpless and irrelevant that I left.
Never would I thought by treasuring you to the best I could made you feel alienated.
As I felt it before too.

All these really broke my heart.
Again and again.
To see you become what you are now.
Consumed by the inner darkness you have always wanted to fight.
And forgetting what life is about.
Becoming nothing more than a ball bouncing off the walls.
Afraid to do otherwise because of the fear you had within.

I really wish I can do something.
But it seems I am not needed around anymore.
I have become the very thing associated with that darkness.
Even the mention of me makes you disgusted about yourself.
So what use do I have anymore?

May you find the strength to fight that darkness within.
Know that life is full of hope and good things.
Just like what you told me.
And made me see that life is indeed so you did.
Do not fear, it makes you less than who you are.
And I am already seeing it.

The more I see, the more I break my own heart.
Perhaps it is about time I see no more.
It is time I finally close the lid and move on.
I have done all I can.
Even reaching out my hands to you again.
But it had the reverse effect.

If you give in to that darkness.
And go back into what has haunted you.
Not on soul on earth can help you.
Not just me.
Not your friends.
Not your loved ones.

If you think only about yourself.
You will truly only be left with your-SELF.
No one can reach you.
It will just be you.
And you alone.

I have been there before.
I have seen that darkness many years back.
Don't go there.
Give up on me.
But don't give up on yourself.

Deny it as you may.
But that is exactly what is happening.

Heavy Steps

2011-11-05T12:10:00.007+08:00

Reality is never an easy thing to handle.
And we are made worst for it.
Our desires and wants often turn us away from fairly discerning reality.
It blurs the straight road ahead into one that is exponentially more complex.
And yet this we must handle well.
For this is how will grow.

The more we try to fight our desires, the more they come back to us.
The gradient grows steeper and steeper.
I must be convinced to let go of that desire, otherwise I'm stuck in an uphill fight.
But stuck at it I must for now.
It must be so until I can finally convince myself that it should be.
It is not a matter of logical certainty, but one of will and time.

It is never an easy thing to do.
In fact it is easier to turn back.
But where can I turn back to?
From that very day on, the door that led me to this road has been deleted.
There's no turning back.
The only way is forward.

The way ahead is difficult.
The roots went deep.
Some thoughts can be pulled out from the ground.
But some must be left to rot.
Like it or not it will forever become a part of us.
Better find a good way to deal with it.
So that when we emerge we are more than before.
And not end up being sour with it.
In the end we learn nothing but hate.

The burden is heavy.
In fact it is getting heavier with each step.
But this is what I must do.
Because there's no other choice.
And do it I will.

Am I still growing up?
I bet I still am.
In fact we never stop doing so.
Growing up becomes a part of life.

I'm not alone.
There are many others whom I should live for.
Better be ready for them.
Better be ready for life.
Because if I think only about myself,
In the end I will only be left with MY-self.

I have been there before.
And what a dark world it was.
The promise stands.
Never again.

At least I know how to go forward.
At least I know with reasonable accuracy what it is I'll face.
At least I know how to be ready.
And I can start with this little bit of certainty.
That bit of Light to work with.
So that I may find more.

There's still much concepts to explore ahead.
Much data to analyze.
And much about life I need to deal with.
That should be enough for now.

You can't help but miss what has passed.
How it could have been prevented.
And what's left that we may go back to.
Wild thoughts that somehow it may be back.
To be honest I haven't given up hope yet.
But I guess the odds are such you may call me foolish.
It is this last frontier that is always difficult.

It takes two hands to clap.

Back Home

2011-11-03T11:16:00.003+08:00

It was an amazing mix of feelings I had while coming back this time round.
I do miss home. I miss my loved ones back home.
But still there's that little hesitation attached to it.
I'm coming back to reality.
A reality I've spent many days preparing for.
A reality I wasn't prepared to handle efficiently when I left.

It seems like God is trying to speak to me.
And He is trying to do so through many people and events.
Even ideas that could have been introduced earlier on were delayed till now.
They seem to come in now only when I need them the most.
Or to put it in another way, I had eyes that made me blind, and ears that made me deaf.
And now I am ready to listen, only when I've decided to uncover them.
So that I may see and hear again.

Yes, it was a getaway and escape from reality.
What I've gained was calm and peace.
But if I didn't do anything with them, I will come back with the same thing again.
I would be as ill-prepared to handle reality as before.
As with all things, peace is a double-edged sword.
If you make good use of it, you will reap good rewards.
If you are intoxicated in its soothing fumes, then you will grow comfortable and complacent.
You will gain nothing out from it.

It made me ask what is it that I want from reality.
What will I do when I'm back.
What questions should I be asking myself, so that it'll bring me closer to the Truth?
Where should I go now?

The Truth will set you free.
And for my case, thinking will set me free.
Because by thinking it gets me closer to the Truth.
But the irony is that the more I think, more my thoughts are clouded.
I will get information, but which are the ones I should keep?
Here I need the peace and the clarity to think, yet bearing in mind the dangers of too much peace.
A fine balance between thinking and peace.

Thinking is the only way I'll set myself free.
It'll set me beyond my faults, and see what I ought to see.
It brings to the surface new ideas and ways to look at things.
It brings about new explanations for the things around us.
It made it possible for me to dream.
And if I don't think, I'll go mad.

The even greater irony is that most of the time the Truth may turn out to be what we do not want.
It is like spending money for something we really don't need.
But it is what we must accept.
And we must find the strength to do so, to accept what we will normally reject.

And my reality now is simple.
To do justice to myself, I need to go forward.
I need to carve out a new direction for myself.
To understand that dreaming about what has passed is no longer good enough.
We may dream, but it is no longer as good as the real thing.
The real thing is gone.
Shattered in pieces, all over the floor.

And so what's left is to pick up the pieces and analyze them.
To find out what has gone wrong.
So that the future will not come to be in pieces.
It is a painful thing to do, and it is easier to just leave them be and move on.
But this is what we must do, to ensure the future is better.
The future is better, when we finally bring ourselves to learn.
We learn and we ask why, so that we may know how to dream.

They were the dreams of yesterday.
They are no longer tomorrow's dream.

And this is what life is.
Life is not about ignoring difficult and painful Truths so that the picture will look soothing.
Life is about accepting the good and the bad in life, and derive happiness from it.
Happiness from the full picture.
We may hide certain things from ourselves for a while, just for clarity's sake.
But if we overdo it and become delusional, then we are the ones who will pay for it.

I'm glad to be home.
Though there are many things I would rather not think of, they will eventually still come to my mind.
Why not just accept it and move with that.
Through this I've found my little bit of happiness to start with.
Along with that fact that there are a hundred other reasons to smile.

I'm glad it held on well.
Looks like I'm ready.

Calm

2011-10-20T21:33:00.006+08:00

Things have really started to calm down.

It seems like the days of whys are steadily coming to and end.

Now begins the days when answers start coming up.

It is not that questions won't stop coming up.

But at least we're getting somewhere.

A little bit of calm goes a long way.

It is something we so often ignore, yet so important for us.

Calm reduces complex questions into simple packets.

Simple things are easier to accept than complex ones.

And having questions answered in turn generate more calm.

The cycle continues.

Staying happy and positive helps too.

It brings a lot more Light into the things around us.

And I guess things look a lot clearer when it is lit with Light.

I guess I'm finally able to accept certain facts.

And accepting facts means reducing the amount of things I have to handle.

There is less for my mind to argue about, and more space for more important things elsewhere.

At least by accepting facts there is a reference point to work things out.

It is also about creating certain dead ends to restrain a reluctant mind.

No harm at all if there is no reasonable chance of turning back.

It makes those more unpleasant and difficult facts easier to accept.

The initial price to pay might be huge.

But by not doing so, the price to pay will be bigger as time goes on.

We often say that we cannot understand human relationships, and that we cannot give reason to emotions.

Yet like all things, we cannot understand things because we have missing information.

Once we begin to obtain all these necessary data, can we start piecing the picture together.

Even the most complex of questions can be solved.

Doing it step by step, combating chaos in a systematic way.

All the loose ends will fall together into legible order.

And even if we cannot get all the information we need now, sometimes it is about accepting uncertainty.

That things will be revealed to us in due time.

Some facts may already be present around us.

Its just that may not have the wisdom to understand them yet.

But if we do it right, they will come eventually.

If we hold dear the right things in life, we will be able to weather all storms.

If the system is a strong and sound one, it will be able to hold against all but the strongest of trials.

And even if things are too great for us to take, it is a signal for us to further improve.

So that one day if such questions are to hit us again, we will be ready.

We grow, we become better.

This is what life is about.

To continually seek for the Truth, and yet accept that there will forever be things we cannot understand.

Imperfection is part of life.

We must not be too disturbed by its presence.

But rather, we must accept it as one of us.

There's a whole wide world out there.

Many have been through worse.

What I have is but a speck of the greater Truth.

There is so much for me to see.

It would all be wasted if I just stay still.

I'll be away for 12 days.

I guess it is another good avenue for me to forget about the things I have to forget.

It is a case of out of sight, out of mind.

It will be tough sortie out at sea, and the longest one for me so far.

But in a way it is a good getaway for me.

I'll come back better than before.

I'll come back having less to think about.

Breaking Free

2011-10-17T22:05:00.012+08:00

Reality is never easy to bear.
So often it goes contrary to what we want.
It unsettles us, and it makes us hate the things we have.
What a dangerous enemy reality will make, if we come to hate it.
And yet we must deal with it.
That is what we must do.
At the end of the day how well we can be at ease depends on how we deal with what is real.
There is no other way.
No shortcut.

You see what affects us always, be it in good or bad times, is accepting this reality.
Knowing what to do is obvious.
Answers are not difficult to find.
It is only whether we want to listen to what reality says or not.
You gain some, you lose some.
This is life.
This ain't a fairytale.

Many times we look to complex models to interpret seemly complex questions reality throws at us.
Why not take a step back and look at things the simple way?
Why seek to further complicate matters?
We already have a lot on our hands already.
No need to make it worse.

And when we begin to do so it becomes clear what we must do.
The next step is to accept it, and how to go about achieving that aim.
And that in itself is also very simple.
We all need to pay a price for everything.
We gain some we lose some.
When we want something done, we make the effort to do it.

It is really that simple.
It always is.
It always will be.

It is easy to let ourselves slip into pessimism and isolationism when we think this way.
And yet that is the very danger we must avoid.
The road ahead is still long.
We cannot afford to give up what is right.
Dream we still must.
But it must always be rooted in reality and reason.
There is no need to wonder too far.
The answers lie right in front of us.

And for me it is all about taking the first big step.
And once that is done, to take another.
Soon the momentum builds up.
Soon we will be on our way.

I looked to an old solution that was easy yet difficult to accept,
that is to prune out illogical parts of the equation.
So that what I see will be clear again.
That first step is always the most difficult.
But once you've created a dead end for yourself, you'll never consider going back.
Because that is no longer possible anymore.
Once again we have a clear road ahead.
A road we know is the way to go.

Reality may throw all it has on us.
But it is up to us to make that choice on where to go next.
We should always seek calm and clarity,
to block out the noise so that we may see the path we should take.
Contending with reality is always about accepting the bad, counting the good and making a reasoned decision from there on.
And having the strength to live with what is bad.
It is only this way can we make the wrong right again.

It is dangerous, to fall into the dead end of distractions just for a momentary escape from the problem at hand.
It can be used to lessen the burden, but never as a solution by itself.
Our temptations lead us to dark places.
Places we may not understand and know how to deal with.
In the end life will only becomes darker.
In the end we become more lost.
Worst, we may not even know why.

And now the illogical parts of the equation have been cut away.
What can be done has already been done.
There is no turning back.
There are other constraints, but in time they will come to resolve themselves.
Now it is all up to me to keep up with the momentum.

Understand that there will be ups and downs.
But have the strength to go through them all.
It is just part of the process.
And at the end of it all, we emerge stronger than before.

Beware of temptations that lies behind every corner.
Ones that seek to complicate the simple fact of reality.
The greatest danger lies within us.
The quagmire of negative emotions, the lack of will.
Once we are able to remove these illogical segments of the equation,
the road ahead lies clear.

All will be well.
We are on our way.

The Home, The House

2011-10-16T12:40:00.004+08:00

And finally the doors are locked.

The chains put into place and the heavy padlocks sealed.

We've spent the night locking the place down.

Only Time will touch this place, and no one else.

One day we may be back, hopefully with a less heavy heart.

And even then it is only to sink ourselves into memories again.

For it is a house that we cannot live in anymore.

I take a look back at this once beautiful sanctuary.

The little cozy place we had to ourselves.

How old and lifeless it has become.

Only a while ago it was well kept and worthy of envy.

Seems like something else is affecting it other than neglect.

It is as if the house has a life of its own.

And it too dies when its soul is gone.

What a waste.

It is very simply built.

Much efforts have be put into its construction and continued improvements.

And yet it was filled with so much hope and potential.

So much joy flowed within its walls.

And the many tears that at the end of the day brought us closer.

Drafts of plans and dreams ahead.

Yes they are still there, left where they were the moment its soul left.

Just that it is now locked securely within its browning walls.

It is something that I do not recognize anymore.

And really perhaps it is something I thought I knew, but really isn't what it was at all.

Its yards, walls and paint that we have done ourselves now seem so foreign.

And it is more than its appearances.

The spirit that once characterized this home is no longer there.

It is indeed not a home anymore.

It is now more like a badly kept museum.

I lifted up my backpack, ready to leave.

I started the long walk off to the main road.

There is not really a lot of things to carry.

But deciding what to take along with me was a difficult and painful thing to decide.

I have to travel light, and must not be overly burdened by the little packets of memories I want to take away.

Most of the things I took away were the things I already had.

A little bit of hope, it will nourish the body for the long walks ahead.

Some optimism, one that will get us through the many challenges that is sure to come in future.

Logic, to be efficient and not waste efforts chasing irrelevant things.

Prudence, to know what is right or wrong, and to act accordingly. The last thing we want is to hurt others because of an error of judgement.

A lot of peace, so that we may have the calm and clarity to fairly discern the things around us.

An open mind, to accept change when necessary, and especially the many words from others that may not be pleasant but is still worthy of thought.

Finally, God. The universal description of the Truth, one from which we interpret the things happening around us.

And curiously, a little book filled with what characterizes this home we used to have.

All the emotions, happy moments, dreams and joy compressed into this handy booklet.

This is all that is left.

Hardly a worthy representation of what has passed, but this is all we can take.

At least there's something I can remember.

At least this is what I'll remember.

Each step is getting heavier and heavier.

The house steadily fades from view.

I am struck with the urge to run back and never leave.

But we all know the way to go is forward.

Let us just take one small step at a time.

And never look back again.

Let us count our blessings of what we have now, and what this little period in our lives have given us.

Let us find the strength to smile for the future.

Let us live in hope, of what is to come.

One that is without hate for both the future, and also for what has passed.

Moving On...

2011-10-15T20:46:00.008+08:00

Its hard to ignore that its now been one week.
The amount of things that comes to my mind have only been increasing.
I've been thinking about the past.
Reminiscing about those good times in the past.
And there were lots.
Thinking about what went wrong, from every possible angle.
At times I just lack the will to think about anything.
I'd let my mind run free.
Its the only way to let me relax, I think.

Why do I think so much?
Especially when it is something that has been most painful.
I believe there are lessons to be learnt, even more so from an event of such nature.
Something did went wrong. The question is, what and when.
How did it strike with such speed and ferocity?
How did something so blissful and stable suddenly capsized and sunk without a trace?
And the best time is now, when thoughts are raw and fresh.
So that when the initial mess is sorted out can we think about it with clarity.

When it comes to thinking, it is always about what is relevant.
There is the ever present danger of sinking into dangerous vicious cycles.
The ones that may produce unfavourable outcomes.
That we must avoid.

The past is as important as the future.
Whatever that has passed will shape our views for the future.
And we'd better be having the right ones for what is to come to prevent harm on ourselves and others.
Just because it has passed and unpleasant doesn't mean we don't give thought to them.
The Truth is present in both the good and the bad.

Of course I can choose the easy way out and just don't think about them.
It is possible.
But why waste a chance to derive useful lessons from it?
This is after all a pioneer experience.
If done right, we will learn a lot more about others and ourselves.
Understand that what is gone is gone.
The best we can make for it is to be better for the future.

There are random outbursts of memories that trigger negative responses within me.
Yes I am still trying to get used to it.
It may be bad, but it is within the norm.
Everyone is telling me I should be feeling worse than what I am showing.
But I don't know.
The last thing I want is to affect others with what is already affecting me
If I can solve it myself, I will.
I'll just keep it within myself.

Sometimes I'd wake up thinking that it is all a bad dream and things are actually alright.
But we all know what is the Truth.
I'd always wake up asking myself why did she leave.
I know these are all part of the norm.
Feeling bad is part of the package.
What's important is the understanding that we'll emerge from this better than before.

Now it is time to think about what paths to choose ahead.
The answer has always been clear, I thought.
We know what is right, and we must hold on to them.

It is up to me how I want to fill the void within me.
The road will be lonely as always.
But this is what we must go through.
Let us just take it as the rule rather than the exception now.
And maybe loneliness will teach us some more about life.
We'll incorporate the necessary changes along the way.
Understanding that more will come.
Yes, this segment of the past had been bleak.
But the future is exciting with change and new outlooks.
And these are enough to drive me on.

As much as I don't want to leave, it is high time to.
The house has been empty for a week now.
The memories of it have only served to reinforce the pain.
She's not going to come back, and its time to accept that fact.
Good memories they maybe, they are no longer of any use.
They will bring only continued pain.
It is time to finally step outside and move on to where we need to go next.

Maybe one day I'll be back again to think about us.
And hope by then I'll be strong enough to smile when I think of these again.
Time to finally lock the doors and say a silent goodbye.
I know things will be fine.

Strangers Again...

2011-10-12T20:59:00.007+08:00

I wished on my birthday that all my loved ones will live happy in what is true.

Let us not fall for happiness built upon shallow things.

Happiness that falls when put to the test.

That we will be happy by accepting what is bad in this world, knowing that evil and despair will always exist side by side with what is good.

Happiness lies not in creating a Utopia absent of evil and darkness.

But rather, it is found by choice and will.

Perhaps my wish did indeed came true...

I knew that certain issues exist.

I knew they will come up one day.

I was also confident that what we had was strong and capable of holding fast, at least in the common challenges that may occur in our lives.

And even when the going really goes beyond what we can handle now, there is always communication.

The most fundamental element so prided by us, one that will take us to the right paths in future, and solve problems when they do arise.

I just never expect it will end up this way.

I never expect we'd give up so easily.

One day we were in blissful contentment.

And in the other we were gone.

Strangers again.

One we will avoid with great eagerness.

How can it just be gone like that?

Especially with such speed?

Have all the times we had in the past just vanished without a trace?

Replaced by nothing but guilt and hopelessness?

Though we had been through much together, we have just barely began.

In this road to the long-term.

And there is even more we will come to walk together.

More things we will learn about each other and about life.

And yet in a blink of an eye, all vanished without a trace.

You have told me countless of times how inferior you felt with me.

That you thought I deserve someone better.

I tried to make you feel that you are the best by making you feel treasured.

Perhaps all it did was to make you feel even lonelier.

All that is left now are a few old movie tickets, the little things we had for each other, and memories that are steadily fading away.

The places we have went together, some many times over.

The laughs we have shared.

The places we said we will go in future.

The food we have always wanted to eat together.

And the very long road we have thought possible for us to walk together.

It really pains me to take down the card you have made for me for our one month together.

It has always been beside my bed onboard ship,

giving me the smiles when I need them,

lifting me up when I feel tired and impossible.

Now all of these are gone.

And when I see it, I am only reminded of our solemn last goodbye.

I couldn't even get to say thank you for the big present you have shared for me.

One that will change my life in big ways.

Just like how you did when you first came.

You brought me out of the gray.

You showed me the Light.

Your smile brought me endless smiles.

Your infectious attitude towards life and all that was bad.

You gave me hope, and something that was worth treasuring in this steadily corrupting world.

And finally I don't have to spend endless weekends strolling the city streets alone.

And perhaps, I thought, someone who is finally here to stay.

I will miss the hand that held me wherever I go.

I will miss the warmth that greeted me whenever we got close.

The many things I have come to associate only with you.

How we met under extraordinary circumstances.

How we thought from here-on we are finally lifted from loneliness.

And that in this world of chaos and broken promises we have finally found a place we can treasure and enjoy peace.

Perhaps some of it was true.

Some of it came to have proven to be wrong.

But I still must say thank you.

You have shown me so much about life.

You have made me understood hope, love and strength like never before.

You opened my eyes to a world I thought was getting increasingly dark.

That given the right attitude, there is still hope for this world.

Our relationship was still young, I thought.

And we have began to really pick it up now.

It could have ended really differently.

We need not end it now.

There is so much we could have done to try.

Perhaps one day it will all be gone.

Or even reduce it to a level we are comfortable.

After-all we have all the tools required.

There is still so much we have yet to do together.

So much we have yet seen together.

Too bad we must give it all up now.

And for me, it is time to move on.

All these will serve as lessons for me and become useful for the future.

If I must to it all alone without you, then I will.

But all the things we have shared together, I will never forget.

You have given me the best few months I've ever had so far.

Thank you so much.

Yes it still hurts.

And it will for some time to come.

I will still look at places and think maybe we should visit them this coming weekend,

or watch this movie when we have the time.

Just that I will remind myself a while later that you are no longer here with me anymore.

Guess it will take some time for me to get used to it.

But all these will come to pass.

And I will stand tall again.

If by leaving gives you happiness, then perhaps it is the only way for my birthday wish to come true.

May you find a happiness that is greater than what I can give you.

The Special Day

2011-10-09T13:27:00.006+08:00

The air became still and heavy.

Each breath is laborious and incoherent.

The crowd becomes over-bearing.

You have never felt more alone in this world.

There are paths that lead everywhere.

But they all seem so irrelevant.

There are signs all over.

But they don't show me the information that I need.

Where should I go next?

The overwhelming strength that I had was lost.

The strength held many magnificent things within me that I have built over all these time.

And now they are crumbling.

The cogs have stopped.

The equations become nonsensical.

Nothing seem to make sense.

When the world comes tumbling down and you still have to tell the rest all things are well.

And of all the times it could happen, why must it be now?

When I thought all was at its best.

That I could get a hard-earned rest after so long with reality.

A rest that was so rare.

Who knows when it will be before it comes again?

You wonder endlessly through the smiles of others.

With the hope that by continuing to be lost, you may find direction.

What is home?

Is it even relevant now?

For I was certain the only thing waiting for me at home were endless questions I have no answer.

I am capable of solving many of my problems.

And yet fail at doing so for others.

Perhaps in the midst of doing so, even made them more lost and helpless.

I do not fear not being up to the mark for myself.

But rather for being not good enough for others.

I am but a small speck trying to discern the world.

And I am simply doing so to prevent the mistakes of the past.

Staying faithful to the realization that human relationships are rational and logical.

Because this is the only way I can see clarity.

Precisely because what I have is so precious in a world of chaos,

am I working hard to strengthen its walls.

The world can throw all it can at us, I thought.

And it will still stand tall and proud.

The sanctuary within that gives us strength will remain.

And that is all I need.

I used all that I knew to keep it all safe and secure.

Yet has all the weight become too overbearing and suffocating?

I do not seek an equal to discern the world with me.

What I have within is already too much for me to handle.

I only seek a pillar of support to lean on when I need it.

To know that someone else out there still cares.

To be another medium in which I can see the world.

And is happy with me as well.

I do not seek an equal, because it will drive me mad.

What is strength again?

Why is it always gone when you need it the most?

I guess this is what it is.

Strength is the ability to find reason and rationality even at times when the world tells you that you are weak.

And that, I am still struggling to hold.

There is still much I need to learn.

The question is how I can achieve them.

Perhaps this is a good time for us to sink into the silence and hear what the whispers in our mind is telling us.

And maybe in good time, emerge stronger than ever.

Please come back home, soon..

Questions to Ask

2011-09-25T16:54:00.006+08:00

What is Life, with all its contradictions and paradoxes?

Filled with so many things that eludes and confuses us?

The voice in the wind that speaks its Truth, and yet so muffled by our own greed and faults?

There is so much that we do not know, and we may never seem to know enough.

Yet there is ever greater pressure to settle upon a model that works and performs.

Life is an unending series of questions.

Some are simple and straightforward, idiot-proof and easily recognizable by all.

And yet there are those that are laced with intricate links with other complex questions.

You see we are not at loss for these complex questions, but are confused by the links between these questions.

And these links in turn generate even greater questions.

Here we are, bogged down not by large complex questions, but we are totally lost in the apparent complexity that we see.

In fact we are not lost. We are just afraid.

Afraid of the darkness we are in now.

The voices in the shadows that seems to make no sense.

Even if one speaks the Truth, there is no way anyone can recognize it.

We perceive complexity, not because the nature of the problem is complex.

But because we walk in the dark.

Darkness makes even the simplest of questions complex.

We delve deeper and deeper, and in the end the original question that we asked was simply forgotten.

We conspired on how to create a lamp to light up the darkness.

In the end we came up with lots of complex theories and moral distorting concepts, but still do not know how to build a simple lamp.

What if I tell you now that the darkness you are in is not complex at all?

That where you are in is not a massive hall, but just a room?

It is filled with the most beautiful things we all share?

When you have seen it you will be amazed first not by what is in the room, but by how foolish we all have been with all the dealings with complexity.

It is not to say that we are wrong to deal with what is complex.

Complexity is the way to the Truth.

The problem is us looking at complexity when we cannot even get the basics right.

And even so, to know what questions to ask before we become lost again.

Understand that there are knowledge we are not prepared for.

It is not our fault to be born with ignorance.

Our fault lies with the reluctance to get pass this ignorance, thinking that with these complexities that we cannot understand, we are high and glorious.

Such is the danger that lies deep in Life.

It tempts us to look into complexities, with the promise to solve them.

But in the end we simply get lost in them, and wonder about why things in life keep going wrong.

Life is neither good or bad.

As with all things in life, it is how we use and interpret it that sets the tune of the music.

A lamp, so simple to understand and make.

And yet lights up the whole of the room for us to see.

Henceforth armed with the Light, we are afraid no more.

All About Choice

2011-07-29T15:35:00.004+08:00

We live in a world of appearances.

It is smeared with notions of self satisfaction.

All we think about is me, me and me alone.

We refuse to see things from the perspective of others.

We refuse to see how we fit into the big picture.

We take the most convenient route out.

We believe we are the center of every ideal or concept.

It must work for us. If it does not then it does not belong.

We make the Truth relative.

In the end nothing is true anymore.

This indulgence in convenient interpretation of the Truth is coming back to haunt us.

The shortcuts we took in the past, the woes we chose to ignore, the ills we have done in the past, are now calling for their dues.

No matter how we choose to interpret reality, reality remains as it is.

It will not change simply because we believe it is otherwise.

It is easy to hide these false interpretations under the namesake of progress and change.

And the world likes progress and change.

Yet we must always ask ourselves, where is this change leading us?

The world may say it is okay.

But in Truth it is not.

Some day those who chose to ignore it will come to pay the price.

You see this is how the world works.

When we give something, we gain something in return.

We work for the harvest.

We spend the effort to acquire something.

Even by suffering we gain its relevant experiences and lessons.

So that we may use these to translate into greater gains in future.

If we choose not do do so then we pay the price for it.

The world is made fair and neutral.

It is not God's fault when things go wrong.

It is our choice that made it so.

Even in the worst of situations, there is the more positive option to choose.

Yet we are so often defeated by our own fears that we choose to hide in its shadows.

In false belief that its cold shadow will protect us from reality forever.

They may be a time to hide, but hide only for rightful purposes.

Hide so that we may gather strength to face it some day, and not so that we may not need to face the Truth.

Reality is definite and unyielding.

It is made clear right before our eyes, and we given the means to fairly discern it.

Some may be given more, some may be given less.

Some may be called to endure more suffering, some are given more graces.

Yet one thing still remains on our hands, no matter how cruel fate can be.

That is the ability to choose which way we will go from here on.

Some choices are hard to swallow, yet those are the right ones to follow.

To take the easy way out means being one step closer to eve greater suffering.

It is not what is easy that counts.

It is what it right that matters.

If we do not align ourselves with what is true and real,

then how can we expect things to go well for us?

The irony is that we can never know what is right.

We who are built with so much imperfections simply cannot comprehend what is perfect.

It is the same with science.

There are gaps in our collective knowledge.

Phenomena we cannot explain.

Things we simply can't get to the bottom of it.

All we have now are approximations of the Truth.

Isolated clusters of perfection, but no unified theory to explain everything.

The same goes for how we perceive things.

We can come very close to the absolute right, but never fully right.

There will still be some gaps we cannot fill.

Yet we still have to make decisions.

That is where all faults begin.

We say the wrong things.

We adopt the wrong plans.

And everyone will do the same thing.

The gaps add up and here we are, trapped in our own ignorance, refusing to admit what went wrong.

That is why I can never really blame someone else for his wrong.

What faults he has, I am as likely to get it as well.

What inaccuracies he has, I am as likely to get it as well.

What's left to be done, is to narrow down this gap of inaccuracies and get as close as possible to the Truth.

The closest approximation to the Truth.

That is better than nothing at all.

The world may play its game of appearances.

But the wise will not indulge in it.

Appearances are necessary so we may stay afloat in this world.

But behind that veil must lie a system that is true and sound.

One that is able to make the right choices.

One guided by the right things.

One that is able to take anything.

No matter what darkness he has seen, he still will say the world is beautiful.

Because this is what the world is made of.

For one to truly love life and be at ease with it he must accept both the good and bad parts of it.

The faults are not there because God wills it.

They are there because of the faults built within our choices.

People say I'm being positive about life.

Sometimes more so that justified.

But what other choice can I make?

Other than to see it in a better light and be at ease with life, am I entitled to other options?

We must keep changing for the better.

And that must still be so, even in the most dire of circumstances.

Because no one will bother if we stay stagnant for too long.

We must be responsible for ourselves.

The Price of Being Among the Best, and its Rewards..

2011-07-15T20:42:00.015+08:00

Its been too long.

So much so I'm beginning to forget what to write.

God has been kind to me.

Life has been kind to me too.

It has not been easy.

But I now hold more than ever before.

All things work in both ways.

We may suffer or pay a price for it, but we get something in return.

We either pay a price now so that we may get something in future.

Or we are simply paying the dues for what we have missed in the past.

How much to pay, well it is up to what one decides is worth.

Either way, the equation balances itself.

It is fair.

It is a great luxury to have time to think again.

But think we still must with any amount of time and mind remaining.

It has more been a batter on my senses and sanity than on my physical endurance.

I struggle to grab every minute of time I have.

And with what is spare I make worthy choices on how to spend them.

It is not easy at all.

But this forces me to redefine what is worth and possible.

What was once deemed impossible now rests at ease with me.

All these strips away the excesses I always like to have around me.

It has made me a better person.

And the more I go through, the more I will become better.

I am more appreciative than proud.

The more I have, the greater my responsibilities.

This will prepare me for the life that is to come.

I am not in a rush.

I am given the means to complete what I must.

What will come will come.

For some it may come now, for some later.

But with strength and will, we get there all the same.

It will take as long as it is necessary.

I once deem that life has never been easy.

That life can never be without suffering.

This is written in the laws of nature.

The best are born out of suffering.

Only those that made themselves relevant even in times of great adversity can be the strongest.

The one raised most high are the once who put themselves through the lowest of things.

The ones who bowed their heads the lowest will be raised high when their time comes.

I now see it everywhere, but I see so many who do not understand.

Some are given the privilege of that understanding.

Some can never see it.

Let us not think so much about others first.

Let us set things right for ourselves.

So that we may achieve the calm and proficiency to help others in future.

For how can one teach without first going through learning through suffering first.

If we stop to be proud now, how will we ever learn enough?

And even when we are the best, we should never stop learning.

We should keep going, forever narrowing down the circle of errors.

Doing your best is not just one single burst of effort and that is all.

It is a life long commitment.

The one that sustain it the longest is the greatest.

The ones that do not eventually fade into the background.

Is strength even at all relevant?

Well it is not the strength to dominate over the rest.

It is only right if one dominates with righteousness.

But without strength how do we fairly discern the world when it throws us its worst?

Though life may be rough now, and luxuries little.

But I thank God to put me among the best.

So I can see for myself how to do my best.

How I can use these information to narrow down my circle of errors.

How to acquire the right mindset to discern life and keep going.

I don't strive to be the best.

I only need to understand for now.

Some day it will be of use.

We do not stop at strength alone.

The next question to ask is, how should we use that strength?

Thank you for being here with me.

Life was already worth it before you came.

Now it is worth many times its value before.

What once glitters now shines in beautiful light.

It is not that darkness is gone.

But at least even in the very worst of darkness, I am not alone.

And for that I am already content.

If we have a future ahead, let us walk it together without fear.

Because at the very least, we will not be alone.

That Little Corner..

2011-06-27T20:17:00.004+08:00

The world I see is getting increasingly chaotic.

The changes are happening a lot faster than I can keep up.

That may come to change, but the price to pay to aquire that capability is high.

I have to consider what is important and what is not.

There are things I have to give up.

The imbalance is expected and even planned for.

But there is only so much I can see ahead.

Many things I cannot foresee.

And these I must adapt quick.

But I have my limitations and faults.

They will not be as smooth as technically possible.

I am thankful for that small corner of my mind,

that I keep sane, unpolluted and peaceful,

my little preserve in an increasingly chaotic world.

I fill it with many things I hold dear.

And I am glad you are in it.

From that little corner much Light has spewed forth,

reaching through to other corners of my mind and all parts of me.

No thought goes through without guidance from this Light.

The Light shines bright and warm, even in the coldest of night.

Together with what is Truth, the Light guides every single twist of my mind, every throb of blood through those veins.

That even in the most testing of times this Light lives, together with what was told to me by God, gives me great consolation that this may in fact be True.

That after so long searching blind in the dark, have I began to see patterns and reason.

I draw a little circle, isolated from the rest of the world.

The equations within are driven by very different rules.

I chose to see the best out of whatever that may fall within it, the brighter end of the spectrum, just very short of what is ideal and perfect.

And I put you right in the middle of it.

It may stay for long and it may not.

And how long is long I do not know.

But I will give what I must.

Not afraid of failures or be tainted by the past.

And if it is not so I will subtract from here what I originally assume as whole.

If I will be disappointed then so be it.

No hard feelings, no dilution of what I will see as accurate.

Because at least once in my life I have learnt to trust reasonably.

There is still a lot I must do.

That little small corner of peace, I still will do my best to preserve.

If after all my best it dies away, then I will accept that it is not meant to be.

But at least for this time when I believe it is true, I did not give less than I should.

That after all I have come to learn, I will for once not be afraid of regrets...

The Front and Back End

2011-06-18T13:14:00.006+08:00

Haven't really got much time to think deep about things these days.

Ever since I got posted to ship the demands on life have jumped dramatically.

Everyday I push myself to the limit, either by requirements of the training, or by my own effort to really pick things up fast.

Life after BMT in January have been too comfortable.

The greatest threat comes not from physical or mental exhaustion, but from threats of weekend confinement.

Come to think of it that wasn't really much.

At least we get to do our own things if we really do get confined.

Life at ship as an On-Job-Trainee (OJT) is really not easy, especially on an elite platform like the Frigates.

There are so many things to learn and be proficient at within these 2 months, and to do so simultaneously.

No amount of time in training school can prepare us for this. Things are all so different here.

No more learning about volcanic lava by reading about them from websites.

Now it is the real thing. It is standing right in front of you. Any mistakes and you get burned badly.

Fire-fighting, duties, navigation systems, ship crew recognition, general operations of the ship, and many more.

They are all so foreign.

The weight of all these hits you like a hard steel slab.

I was told that I was the best, by my instructors and my department on board the ship.

That is why I am posted here.

It is an honour I will never deserve.

I live and strive hard not for honour, but in part to fulfill the best in life.

And in part to not disappoint those who have given me such an honour.

From the moment you step on board ship till you leave its all about who can be the best sponge and absorb the most knowledge for the day.

You don't want to lack behind. Not because it affects anything, but the sooner you pass, the more more privileges you enjoy.

You don't want to end up being at the back end of the spectrum.

That alone is enough to spur me.

The Nav systems are quite easy. The more daunting ones are the firefighting and damage control segments.

One has to remember nearly every compartment on board the ship, and what sort of protection is offered for that room.

The location of all the necessary fire fighting equipments and so on.

It is s scary as it sounds.

But it is about finding the will to do it, and not whether is it all possible.

Others with a lot less have done it.

And they have done it under more testing circumstances.

My department is known to be the best in the entire squadron.

I am given a lot of privileges and respect, probably too much for an OJT.

And this has attracted a little negative attention amoung other trainees.

Yet precisely because I am given more space, must I push myself to learn more and at a greater speed.

I don't want to compare with anything.

I just want to stay focused and continue to be motivated.

That is the only thing that'll keep me afloat now.

I'm pushing myself to the limit everyday.

Be it the sleep I get, the amount of coffee I can take, the amount of things I can absorb, or my attention span throughout the day.

Not to mention things at the back end, family, social relations, and girlfriend.

Before the emotional sweetness or success can come, there must be a good system behind it, governed by sound fundamentals.

The demands at work may be great now, but I have to keep everything else intact, and seek progress for them as well.

It gives me great motivation to know that I'm training for the real thing now.

At least somebody appreciates the hard work.

At least I know if I do well it won't be for nothing.

Consider what is important and what is not.

What are the things we must do and push ourselves, and yet still retain the integrity of the system.

What are the things we should reduce or even let go.

I only have one shot to get it right.

Be it at front or at the back end.

I cannot rely on the goodwill and graces of others. They will soon run out.

If you are expected to be the lowest life form on board, just act as if you are really so. Things can never go wrong.

Just remember, there is a purpose behind everything.

So far things are going well.

The steel slab did not hit as hard as I thought.

The rest of the crew have a good impression of me.

That I must work hard to fulfill and maintain.

Things may be a little distant with my family, but I don't see it as out of the norm, with greater demands elsewhere away from home.

My brain is absorbing well. I also manage to keep myself well motivated. The mental integrity of the system is still there.

Always looking for ways to do and learn things better.

Always trying to push the limit.

Things are starting to settle down on the front end, and this will translate into greater stability of the back end as well.

Celebrated the first month anniversary with girlfriend yesterday.

It was really great, even though the time was short.

We could have made it better or go to places where it would be more fulfilling.

That is another issue altogether.

The most important thing is that we go through things together and always be there for each other.

So far she's been really supportive, despite the great level of uncertainty when it comes to plans.

Something perhaps I can learn from her.

No troubles so far from her, and the support the gives contributes greatly to things at the front end.

Trying to do her justice by giving as much as practical, yet not too much at the same time.

I hope I'm doing a good job so far.

Things are looking good. But that does not mean I will let down my guard on any front.

It is good to keep pushing myself to the limit, as this will prepare me for much greater things to come in future.

Be it during or after NS, or even for things in personal life.

The whole system is looking good. The cracks are appearing in places where I expect them to be.

Day by day I emerge a better person, knowing that I've managed to keep my sanity in the face of great demands.

And that things are all still fine at the front and back end.

At The Other End

2011-06-12T14:27:00.007+08:00

The more you think about it, the more amazing it gets.

The pages describing its wonder just keeps on getting longer and longer.

Your heart tells you it will never end.

It is so not because your mind already knows how it will end.

But rather, the heart wants to believe it is so.

Yet your mind knows it will end some day.

The pages will no longer have anything new to describe, but rather will be writing about the less exciting stuff.

That time will come. It is definite.

The question is, what will be left when the time comes?

Will it die of simply because there is no longer something exciting to fuel it?

Or perhaps is there something deeper driving it, providing a more sustainable and reliable form of propulsion?

That we will not know, at least for now.

For a wall of bliss and seemly infinite drive blocks our views.

The Joy can never seem to run out.

Our heart is certain, but it is only so because it wants it to be so.

Not that in reality it will be so.

No this is not pessimism. This is being realistic.

If we truly love something then we must find a way, in accordance with reality, to keep it sustainable.

And to keep it relevant.

It is a reminder that good things, no matter how great they are now, will come to run dry some day.

It may be now, it may be in many months time.

Enjoy as we may now, but always keep in mind of what is to come.

Just as when we should keep track of time when one enjoys himself outside, and that when the time is up, he too must return home.

If we want to hold on to whatever we now deem as dear, we need to understand it and be ready for all challenges that is to come.

To use this relative peace we have now to build the things that will actually last.

The structures that are tedious and expensive to build, but will stand the test of time and storms.

Rather than those that provide quick reliefs and yet get washed away quickly when put to the test.

And the challenges will be many. The storms will be intense.

They are on their way.

There will also be those trials we will never come to expect.

What seems improbable now does not mean it will remain so forever.

It is only improbable now because the fires still burn strong.

When the time comes for it to burn at a more sustainable level, the not so probable will be made probable.

But we shall not give ourselves to paranoia.

We will not waste time and effort to deal with irrelevant things.

We will give them the credit they deserve when they become so.

For they are not just a waste of resources, they may also corrupt the accuracy of our views.

And in the end make us into the very things we swore to avoid.

But we should be alert and vigilant.

To sooth troubles the moment they exceed certain thresholds.

And to do the right thing always.

Understand that by doing what is right is the safest policy of all.

So that all else that is false may fall away.

Likewise, of all of these that we have now is false, it may fall away as well, so that we may be saved of a greater calamity to come.

That is the hard Truth of it all.

But in order to live well we must work with the Truth, and not against it.

And if it still survives, then we know it must be true.

This is true with all things.

Only the most relevant survives.

The rest dies away in decadence and despair.

And all that is left are words that no longer apply.

For now I have great confidence in the future.

Let the trials test what we have now, and what we are about to build.

Then we will realize what is really important to us.

If after it all we still remain important, then it must really be important.

I will do what I must, and I will do my part.

I will treasure it all.

But I cannot be the only one pulling the rope.

We must walk this path together.

You know I will walk this through with you.

I hope you'll still be with me when we reach the other end.

The Responsibility of Joy

2011-06-06T20:58:00.011+08:00

Joy has this uncanny habit of appearing at times when you are least prepared to enjoy it.

It will never be enough when the time is right.

Just as one has finally concluded the huge operation to obtain Joy, now he has to contemplate how to maintain and sustain them.

One has to consider what is worth and what is not.

One has to understand what must be kept and what must not.

Because Joy demands that we suit its wishes if we want to keep it for long.

Change is the only constant.

How do you reason with a situation where all appears logical?

This is the scary side effect of Joy.

For whatever that belongs within its boundaries, it deems all as logical.

Everything seems advantageous. Everything seems to forward its agenda.

Yet we all know even the greatest ball of fuel cannot burn at its brightest forever.

That one cannot live to obtain Joy alone. Life demands much more than that.

He may make certain things into his Joy, but never Joy alone, because he will be prevented from fulfilling his basic responsibilities in life.

One must consider if he wants to shine for a hundred years as the brightest star in the sky, or find a way to shine sustainably for many millennia to come.

The question is not just how to obtain Joy, but how to make it sustainable.

Therefore Joy is another responsibility we must shoulder.

To continue to enjoy it, we must learn what to do and how to make it last.

To select the many things out of its boundaries that will make it so.

Otherwise the flame will consume so much fuel that it will burn itself out in no time.

Life is all about responsibilities.

Some are required by us without option.

While we can choose to take certain responsibilities up ourselves.

If we want something, we pay for it, and accept all its limitations along with all its advantages.

That in itself is a responsibility.

The same applies for Joy. We want it, we pay for it. We have too much of it, we pay the penalties as well.

If we want it to burn brightly, we must accept that it will burn itself out fast.

And when it is gone, we must accept that this must be how it will end.

Because we chose to make it so.

Not knowing this is the case will not save us from suffering.

Now many things are coming my way.

To keep the Joy and peace I have, I must find a way to make them sustainable.

Things that are detrimental to them may keep coming my way.

But that does not mean I ignore them to just hug on to what is dear.

It is here I must decide how brightly the fire of Joy must burn.

Joy cannot be the excuse to absolve me from my other responsibilities.

This is the greatest way I may give this Joy the credit and care it deserves.

By making it last and be comfortable to all.

To understand what is right, what must stay and what must go.

What we can keep in a sustainable way.

As much as it is here to make me understand happiness, it is also here to make me learn.

To bring me to the next level, not just on how to handle bad things, but also good ones.

And how to hold on to good things in the face of bad ones.

We can go through anything together, no matter how challenging time or circumstance may be.

The greatest challenge however, comes from our will and strength to keep it going.

It will be here we know what is truly worth.

Hiding in Plain Sight

2011-06-01T21:29:00.005+08:00

Seeking knowledge is like playing hide and seek.

The more you look, the more complex it becomes.

Yet the more you look, the greater the potential that things will become clearer.

Because one day everything will summarize itself into one unified theory.

The simplification of complexity into simplicity.

And then even further simplification by linking up the different pockets of ideas governing life.

Knowing how the ending is does not necessarily bring us complete knowledge.

What about the underlying wires connecting everything together?

What is the plot that eventually leads us to this grand finale?

And will there be even greater conclusions waiting for us ahead?

Because answering one question means opening the paths to many more ahead.

The Universe is infinite. One simply cannot define infinity when living in a world of finite time.

At the end of the day, there will always be knowledge hidden from us.

We will never be able to know everything.

So what if we are given the power to know everything?

Do we have the foresight to control this power?

One may argue that it should be given to us first, and humanity will figure out how to use it in due time.

But will we, in disagreement to how to use this power, destroy ourselves before the lack of knowledge does?

Knowledge may save us from ignorance and decadence.

But will it save us from ourselves?

Dealing with uncertainties and unknowns is one of the biggest question in our lives.

How do we contend with something which we may never know?

And yet having that knowledge is so critical to making decisions ahead.

The dilemma is that while life demands the fullest from us, it often devoid us the necessary information to make the right choice.

We will always make decisions with unknowns hanging in the air.

The question is, how to reduce these unknowns to the most minimal, so that a better decision can be made?

Absolute precision, and therefore perfection is all but an ideal. What we should seek, is to make decisions based on the least amount of unknowns possible.

Doing our best, leave the unknowns to fulfill their own ends, and accept whatever outcome that will come out on the other end.

Understanding the true meaning of what is the Will of God.

Because we have already done our best, therefore we are absolved of all fault.

The only fault will lie in the choice we have made at the very beginning to commit to this line of action.

Back at the very time when choosing a different path would still have made a difference.

But yet we should not delve into regrets.

We think back so that we may learn, not to discover and hold on to regrets.

Knowledge may already be placed before you, hiding in plain sight.

And it may not be what we expect.

Our pride and emotions blinding us from what is so obvious, or what is so difficult that we would rather choose not to accept.

Is it really that difficult to look beyond what we want for what is right, or to accept that things will not be going the way we want?

One may call it having the courage to pursue what he wants, yet in Truth it may be not having the courage to accept what is right.

What is already obvious that he must accept.

Fortune favours the courageous, not the foolish.

If we don't choose to help ourselves, then how can God do so?

People may pass away. They may betray you, they may leave you.

But knowledge will not.

It is the language of God.

The knowledge of the Truth, of what is right, and on how to accept his plans for this world.

Because God gave us the gift of Logic, this means he is logical too.

And therefore all things are logical.

It is just the wires that connect all of them together that we lack.

Do not simply trample upon the unknown just because we do not understand them.

Look forward in hope that one day we will.

That even though perfection is way beyond us, we may be given the gift to come to the absolute closest to it.

So that we may one day understand God.

That what he has given us is really for our own good, and we may transcend beyond our desires to accept what is right.

One day all will become clear.

The confusion of life and all, the conflicts and ironies.

They will all become a graceful dance with all of life.

One day we will understand, that all we have is all part of this big picture we call life.

That no matter what colours is it painted in, at the end of the day it will come together to create beauty.

We all lead to it in the end. It is just how.

It Must Come

2011-05-26T19:26:00.010+08:00

I walk on the streets, and people are strolling in their own minds.

They are many out there, but none are familiar.

The lights are bright but dim to my eyes.

The voices are many but I hear none.

None of them make sense. None of them are speaking to me.

The stars are many but few shine through the mist.

The mist thickens with each passing moonrise.

A culling of faith reaches out far into the skies.

The greater the faith, the more the pain.

The mountains rang with the screams of distant promises.

The deafening silence weighs over those in joy.

The joy are leaving their souls, their minds draining from deception.

The deception now carving their way down the mountain paths,

Their trails heavy in ransomed blood.

The fountains flow with the tears of fools.

Their triumph degenerated into their greatest downfall.

None who basked in victory are spared.

None can see how the foolishness they rear come to fruition.

The smell of dawn is heavy with rust and age.

The new aged with joy. The greater their glory, the more they age.

The innocent and the guilty are roasted alike.

The Truth spares none in its path.

The Truth has come to take away all that is false.

All that lived in decadence and in mindless dreams.

Those that does not fit into its molds are cast into the grinders and whipped to great submission.

Until nothing is left but what is pure and right.

For the right will always win. In the end only those in Truth will last.

The ones built on what is false will wither with the wind.

The wind is the Truth, while we are the structures.

The shadow of fear will sweep all.

Only the most righteous will stand firm and whole.

The shadow must come.

For the end of what we see is near.

The promise of a new dawn will compel even the lesser ones all to stand firm.

We truly believed when its light was first shone to us.

But none can draw comfort from belief in what is false.

What is false will soon die away in wrongful tears.

The night will come once again.

The darkness will only strengthen those who still stand.

For their strength will be most useful in the new world they are to build.

Just as one prepares to walk a path he thought true, new paths are being prepared for him to walk.

The paths which are built in Truth and Light.

All may come to pass, but the Truth will not.

Believe in what is right, see beyond what is shown to us.

The false ones will die away with the coming of Truth.

Have faith. The end is not yet.

The answers are always out there, waiting for us in plain sight.

Choices

2011-05-22T15:21:00.004+08:00

'There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so'

-William Shakespeare, Hamlet; Act II, scene ii

I first saw this quote in the most unlikely of places imaginable: pasted above a urinal in a toilet at my BMT company.

Unlike most of the other motivational quotes that just try to inspire blind courage or endurance, this one is special.

When you think about it, its meaning is deep and universal.

That things, by itself, are never created evil or good. It is human interpretation that makes them so.

There are always two sides to a coin. What may aid you today may, under different circumstances and demands, come to haunt you tomorrow.

Nuclear fission can be harnessed for power generation, or its awesome destructive power.

Discipline may be used for the general well being of an organization, or come to maximize firepower and effectiveness in war.

The Light may grant you peace and wisdom, but it may also nurture complacency and ignorance for the Truth outside the Light. It may blind you to the Truth that lies out in the Dark and suffering.

For the Truth is made of both Light and Dark.

The list goes on.

Therefore it is human choices that dictate good and evil, not the object itself.

We were given the power of choice, and the power of wisdom to decide what are the choices we should make.

We have always known what is right. It is just accepting it that is difficult.

For each person, object or event that may come our way, it is in our choice to make it good or evil.

For each new thing that comes our way, we are given a chance of a new start, to determine which paths you want to take it to.

Whether will one choose to bring it to good or evil, the Light or the Dark.

Whether will one choose to use it for short term gains, indulgence in the vanities of the world, or nurture it well for a deeper sense of happiness that lies ahead.

The answer may come easy, but having the will to follow it is not.

Temptations here and there, false promises around the corners, and gross errors of judgement brought forth by an over-reliance on emotions.

Sometimes such things are just beyond our current knowledge.

Inexperience perhaps? We always have fear and hesitation for all things new.

Nobody likes travelling in uncharted territory.

But should we give in to fear, stop and simply do nothing about it?

If so then how is it that we will learn, so that this fear may pass away from us once and for all?

It is not the immediate fear that we should pay attention to, but what lies at the end of the road that matters.

It may not be happiness, but the value of the lessons we may learn along the way is worth all the same.

It is so because it brings us closer to achieving happiness when the opportunity arises in future.

In all optimism and desire this may be the start of a long, long journey ahead.

The choice to what ends do we use to achieve that happiness lies within us all.

Only those that lies in Truth will survive the ordeals to come. Those that lies in what is false will wither when the hardest of storms come.

To eat the harvest for many years to come, one must put in the time and hard work. There is no shortcut.

Technology may make things easier, but work still must be done.

Sometimes it is pushing ourselves to exert that effort that is the hardest of all.

I was fortunate enough to be given the means to see what is life about.

But this knowledge comes with responsibility for those who do not yet have it.

Judgement may be deceiving, but judge we still must, with whatever that we know as fair.

For many years many events have come to hone the accuracy of my judgement.

Like all things it is not perfect. A circle of errors exists for each judgement I make. For some matters it is smaller, some are larger.

And the Lord has make it so that this may be the test for what I have learnt in the years before.

A chance to explore places I never have before.

A shot at happiness, or at least to understand the subtleties of achieving it.

Joy cannot be without rationale. It may make you neglect the important things that are yet to come.

The path is set but the obstacles and dangers are many. There are also paths that lead to nowhere but darkness, and some segments so narrow one wrong step may be the end of it all.

Have no fear. If we already have what it takes, we will see it through in the end. If we do not have it yet, then pray for the strength and willingness to learn it along the way. If the time is truly not yet, take this as a valuable lesson.

Enjoy it as much you one may, but do keep in mind the things that must be done.

Always bear in mind that there are always two sides to a coin, two uses for gold.

Good and evil.

The same applies here.

And how will I want to go from here, is all up to me.

I already know what I want and how to do it.

It is the will to follow what is right that I must keep.

Inconceivable

2011-05-09T10:26:00.002+08:00

Joy, it seems, will always sneak itself into the heavily fortified interiors of many, regardless of the odds.

Those strong fortresses buttressed by the events of the past.

For there would not have a need to build such great tools of isolation without a pressing need from the past.

But no matter how well the walls are built or guarded, Joy always wins.

It just makes all those walls irrelevant. Yes they may be a safe place to take a stand when things outside are tough, but we can't be inside all the time.

We need to reach out and see how the world is like out there.

We need gusts of fresh air that Joy readily provides beyond those imposing walls.

We want to live free, even if not in a constant state of freedom and ease, we still want some of it nonetheless.

It is not that the past is irrelevant.

It is how we give meaning to that past, whether we choose to hate, curse or take fruitful lessons from it.

What has passed, is just what we must do to take ourselves to the next level.

Somehow or another, we have got past it fine. What makes you think that we will not be able to do the same again?

The suffering may not welcoming, but it is necessary.

We are stubborn creatures convinced of our own false powers and abilities.

We have them but we are not supreme, always lacking that final touch for perfection.

And so suffering is born to make us learn. Some of us learn after one whiff of suffering, some take two. Some will take many before they are convinced of the need to change.

But we all still get there eventually.

We may curse the suffering we are in now, but in due time we will give thanks to it all.

Let us not let the past restrict us from drinking the waters of Joy.

For they may be important, but they are not always relevant.

Sometimes we just let it all go and take each of us as just who we are, what we think they will be.

We all have pasts. Let us not judge that quickly yet.

Let us just sit at ease and talk about the present and the future.

And when all that is done, maybe we'll talk a bit of the past.

Then we would realize that we all had faults.

It would be unwise to judge, for judgement is cast upon you as well.

Let that past bring fruitful lessons to the one who may listen.

Let it bring peace that perhaps the other has gone through the same as well, and that much can be learnt between them.

That is the point of it all, not judgement, not who is holier, and not who is supreme.

The Joy that I saw, it was so free, so weightless, and so hungry.

For too long perhaps, it has been trapped in the cold confines of its prison.

And now it has seen the Light and warmth of the day, its energy runs wild, filling every space it can find.

It lifts those it touches from the weight of their past and mistakes.

It makes one feel worthy again.

It makes one feel he can touch the skies and not return to the dark lands forever.

When I see that others are in Joy, I am in Joy too.

When I see that others are at peace, I have peace too.

That is the point of it all, that peace and Joy are not just things we seek and keep to ourselves.

We try to put it in a language others can understand.

So that they may see the beauty that we saw and share the same Joy with you.

For what is Joy when it can only be felt by one in the world?

It was so magical and inconceivable.

So intoxicating and addictive.

But let us not be caught up in all its vanities.

Let us be reminded of what we must do, and if God willing, how all the relevant components will all come together.

I tell myself not to be selfish.

Even if it so happens that this is the end and nothing more will come of it, it would still be my greatest Joy for as long as I can remember.

And it will always be the brightest of stars among all others sparkling in the heavens.

Hope has brought us from the cold depths of darkness and bring us warmth and life again.

Let us use that same spirit of hope to look forward for what is to come.

We know not what God has in store for us.

In any case I am grateful enough for what I have. What treasures that lies ahead, I dare not imagine...

The Fear We Share

2011-05-05T18:41:00.002+08:00

What is fear?

The scourge that all men fear, its bitter poison we all share.

Upon our knees we fall, when we hear its monstrous horns. In weakness we cringe, in its gripping cold we shiver.

Strong men it had humbled. All their guns silenced, all their swords bent.

They could say nothing, they could do nothing.

Fear is what we do not want, and what we dare not face.

It makes us less than who we are. It bends Logic inwards, and squeezes it smaller and smaller.

Until nothing becomes logical. Nothing becomes worth.

And one will forever be trapped in the prison he has built himself, hugging on to what little he still considers as dear.

And how insignificant does that little count!

There is no better and more efficient way to destroy strength.

For what we fear, we sought a solution to soothe that fear, no matter the cost.

This is logical, but what if what you fear is what is right, and what you must accept?

In this case Logic alone will lead you nowhere. It will only lead you further away from the Truth.

It will only lead you away from what you truly are.

For all the merits and strengths you have been built with, now all laid to waste.

So what do we fear?

Is it the fear that we lack what it takes to accomplish a certain task?

Or the fear that we cannot accept what we must, that it is too difficult and the task too daunting?

Or is it that fear that despite all we have done, it will never be enough, and history will repeat itself again?

In any case, fear is something we can never eliminate. There will always be something you fear, for something of the past, or for something of the new.

And so fear for the right things. Fear not what you cannot do, for those are truly beyond you, and that we must accept.

But fear what you will not do.

We could forever hide when fear comes, but for how long?

For how long can we pretend everything around is is crumbling, while we continue to let fear grip us from what we must do?

We may hide in that little space and enjoy whatever comforts we still have, but this does not make the matter at hand go away. It still remains unsolved, lying outside, creating whatever troubles it promises to bring.

And so I ask you, which is more important, your fears, or what must be done?

The answer to our fears lie in the understanding that there are things out there a lot more important than our fears.

That the fear for something does not necessarily compel us to give it credit.

If it is right, then we must look into it as a logical problem, and push aside all emotional misgivings associated with it.

See and accept the worst, but plan for the best.

Understand that with whatever skills given to us, we may do things to their very best, so that the very worst will be made less likely.

And if one has already done his best, yet things still turned out to be the worst, then we must accept that this is how things must turn out.

For fault will not lie in us, simply because we have given out all.

If we accept this, then what more do we have to fear?

Some of my fears from the past have returned in recent times.

They used to grip me, haunt me and break me.

It brought me to very dark places, and did very wrong things.

But I no longer have that to fear anymore.

I no longer have fear for the past.

Because if I allow myself to give in to that fear, then the past will truly repeat itself again.

There are a lot more things out there that deserves greater credit than these fears.

For they are past and gone, made definite in history. What lies ahead still lies unformed.

With these I see what is true for myself.

I have peace and clarity.

I know what to do for the days ahead.

I now seek to hold on to that strength to keep it that way.

As always I can see and understand all of these for myself.

But how do I translate these to those who truly need it?

I guess, things will just have to stay the way it is.

Life can just go away..

2011-04-30T22:57:00.008+08:00

You hear all the time that life is short, and we should treasure either our own lives or those around us while we still can.

But talk is talk. Like most things in life, how much do we truly understand the weight of these words?

These words came knocking at me hard today. It got me thinking all day, about many things, how they all fit into the big picture we call Life.

Why think so much, many may ask.

I believe everything has a learning point for us to take away. If we simply let something go by without giving sufficient thought to it, then what lessons will we miss that may be useful for us in future?

Life is complicated. But that does not mean we leave all to the realm of mystery and fate. We should attempt to use reason to map out the basic rules in life, in an attempt to reduce all that complexity.

Complexity will always remain unsolved if we do not attempt to break it apart. It will always be one massive problem difficult to shift about, and in due time hinder us when we need fine readjustments to correct certain things in life.

You may see that life becomes exponentially more complex when you attempt to think about it, but it is only natural. The time will come when wisdom will gather everything for you and simplify all that you see into easy to understand bits.

That is how we learn, and how certain things that when we first met them appear to be massive problems, but when as time goes on things become less of a big deal.

The scale of the problems remain the same, but it is us that grow more capable to deal with them.

That is why we should think, to reduce uncertainties, to bring clarity into the picture, to be sure of what we are doing.

For what we may miss, Chance, as many may call it, may not grant you the luxury of seeing them again.

It is not just our loved ones that we must treasure.

It is the things that we see, the random people that we meet outside, and problems that somehow surface when all seems well.

They are all opportunities brought to use so that we may learn, to use that knowledge to improve our way of discerning and understanding life.

If we choose to consciously give up that chance for the sake of laziness or other things, then we ought not to cast blame when the same thing surfaces again in future.

And sometimes, such things appear in a slightly different form, but are nonetheless run by the same rules.

Because we only have ourselves to blame for not giving enough credit to past events that may very well prepare us for what is to come.

It is fair: we pay for what we miss.

And when we do something not right,

Others may appear to make things difficult for us, either on purpose or not, but we ought to do our best and what we can, before we come to cast blame on others for not doing so.

If we have done our best, and at times even going over by doing for others what ought to be theirs, then our part is done. Others may cast blame, but that is only so because they do not see what is real, and we should leave it as it is.

For the time will come when their lack of knowledge will become apparent, and reality will pay them a visit for their faults so they will learn.

No it is not their fault for lacking knowledge. Their faults are as much as ours, and so it is nobody's fault, for we all lack knowledge in one way or another.

Perfection is not meant yet for us who are riddled with faults and lack the ability to perceive the complete Truth.

For whatever that is not complete in Truth, will always have a probability of mistake and fault.

If we all hold grudge to the faults of others, what can possibly take all of that hate away?

And so wouldn't we destroy ourselves before our time is up?

Or perhaps allow hate to blind us from fairly discerning the present and building the future?

And so the only answer I see is forgiveness, and it is a choice we all have.

We couldn't logically hold a grudge upon someone else, because whatever he has done wrong, we are as likely to do it as well.

Forgiveness is the only way hate may pass away from this world, so that one will have a chance to correct his actions again for the sake of the future.

It is not just what we should do, it is logical.

And if we do not forgive now, then when? Who will be there for us to forgive when one day he is to leave you for good, either from this life or from your life?

Forgiveness would be a luxury for me. As much as I find it difficult to forgive others, it is as difficult for others to forgive as well.

It is only natural for you to blame me for the wrong I have done.

I do not want forgiveness so that whatever that has passed may be corrected, or so that I may be at peace.

I only ask for forgiveness so that you may forget hate and live life free.

And after so much what is all these for?

For all that I have seen, it has come at a great price, and if necessary I would rather not see all of these at all.

But I have learnt much over what has passed.

I think so that I may live life to the fullest, to know the nature of faults so that I may understand them.

And with greater understanding I can be at peace with the things happening around me.

So that for what others will do or have done, I may know which is just for them, where my faults are and what I should change.

No one will know when life can be gone in just a blink.

That at least at my very last moment, I can go in peace that I have thus lived my life to the fullest, and to have no regrets.

That whatever that has passed conforms to what reality prescribed. And I will be at peace.

With the understanding that the past built what I was today, that by the grace of God, to posses whatever necessary to fairly discern what life has to offer.

To reduce what I may miss, to catch as many lessons I possibly can, and to reduce my circle of errors to the minimum.

It is not possible to be perfect. I expect no less from the others.

And so there is no need to feel hatred for others not being able to be, or feel bad for not being able to be so ourselves.

As much as you try, there is no end to the decimal places a precision weighing machine has.

More Than Just Easter

2011-04-24T15:33:00.007+08:00

It has been a great Easter weekend so far. I had a fair share of everything I enjoy.

Easter celebrates the resurrection of Christ 3 days after his crucifixion.

I've seen the renewal of several things that after all, hold true after so long.

This Easter, things go beyond the resurrection of men alone.

What is the meaning of friendship? What if there is no friendship? Is loneliness really such a scary thing?

What is it that compels people to hang on for so long?

It was amazing how things turned out. That over at the other side, thought was given to uncover the Truth as well.

And after all of that there was forgiveness and understanding.

And a revival of an old friendship.

I guess we are just looking for what most men sought after, understanding of the unknown, the right and the wrong, and maybe mutual understanding.

At the end of the day, we just need someone who truly understands the meaning of what we say.

There will always be people around to listen. But how many really understands?

I am not saying that it is their fault if they fail to do so.

Still, won't it bring us peace if there is someone who really do?

Great to see more forgiveness in this dark world.

Great to see that there are some among us that still holds higher ideals than what the rest normally holds.

That is what we need. More Light, and less Darkness.

More forgiveness and trust in the good in all men, and less hatred and suspicion.

It is difficult to find people to trust, especially when one has seen the very Dark sides of them.

But there is good in everyone, though hidden behind layers of walls made necessary for survival in this world.

It is up to us to separate the good and bad of men, and if possible, to remind them of the good that will always live within them.

A difficult task, and not all are ready to listen, but this is our task.

And on loneliness.

It will be false to say I am not afraid of it.

But it is something for me to get used to.

There may be people who understand us.

But they can't be around all the time. It is not fair to expect them to be.

Most of the time we have to contend with things ourselves.

And no matter how scary loneliness is, we still must find a way to deal with it, so that it doesn't come to break us.

There is definitely more to life and the world than the just scourge of loneliness.

It is true that those who are really worth will one day return.

But not all will do.

I am grateful for those who did.

For the rest, I hold no blame.

Logic as well as residual emotions will enforce the status quo.

It is only so to fulfill what is right.

I only ask that if any hate still remains, it be cast out so that one may live free.

I have learnt how not to think so much.

And as before, when you told me not to think so much, I hope you will think less too.

Sometimes inner peace is more important than everything else. Knowledge can wait.

If one does not have peace, how can one truly appreciate the knowledge at hand?

How much more will we miss out and in turn cause us to loose the accuracy of our thoughts?

I ask you to give yourself more credit, for you are a lot more than you think you are.

And give less credit to the emotions of others, especially if they are not right.

What is right may already be evident to you. I only ask you trust yourself at times, and not trust what has past.

For what has past is definitely wrong, but if you place trust in yourself, you are trusting in something that has already been corrected of the past.

For if without peace, how can one fairly discern the present?

Like all things I have given my best.

And I will keep trying for what's better.

I do so only because it is my job, and not because I seek excellence.

Excellence will come if it is the will of God, if He thinks I am ready to handle that responsibility.

For whatever glory I have belongs to those who gave me what I have today, be it friend or foe.

I myself must live up to the words that I have said.

Whatever emotions left within me, whether should it die or prosper, it is up to God.

And perhaps truly, friendship transcends beyond what can be logically understood.

A Shame Held High

2011-04-22T21:15:00.007+08:00

Honesty. How much is it worth?

Something that I have struggled for long to answer.

Virtue speaks highly of it. The honest is praised and honoured.

But what I saw, both in me and through others, that honesty is repeatedly trampled and exploited upon.

Two very different sayings for honesty. One ideal and one real. How to reconcile them?

How I wish to be honest to all men.

I have nothing to hide. I am at harmony with all things I have done.

By foresight I have made my choices according to the best information I had. By hindsight I allowed emotions to corrupt the accuracy of my choices.

But whatever that was done, was done, and I hold it up high, proud in shame.

Proud with my weakness made bare for all to see.

For what has passed, be it glorious or folly, is history and will forever remain part of us.

Blessing or cancer, it is here to stay, no matter how glorious the future will be.

And may what I have be a lesson to whoever that may listen.

So that I may save you from the pains I have gone through to obtain them.

I have shown all of these to those whom I held dear.

Pain was the reward, as if what has passed was not painful enough already.

Honesty was misunderstood as gross shamelessness for all those wrongs.

It was the convenient lie used to reason with what was not favoured.

And a great lie it was.

But I do not hold blame.

We are all slaves of our limited minds, always destined to see what was not.

Because the Truth is too outrageous or too difficult to accept.

Yet the Truth is the Truth. I respect those who accept it, and I put myself to blame for not having the courage to do so.

What the rest have done, I have done as well. I am no greater.

I lost all that I held dear.

But it is only so, that I can see what the Truth really is.

My faults, my misgivings, the foolishness of hate, the beauty of God, and the depth of darkness.

So that I may return to where I truly belong.

And that place is far from ideal.

Fields after fields of dullness, march after march to nowhere. The lands stings of loneliness, the horizon mired with mirages from ages long gone.

Because I have ignored where I should be for so long, that when I return there was nothing.

Through the grace of God I filled it what it should be filled with.

This is made so that the past may never come to be reality again.

So that Honesty may never be misused again.

And what I have gathered in this new place I built is this:

Honesty is a virtue, much the same as kindness and compassion, intertwined closely with the past.

It may not be dispensed indiscriminately to anyone.

People are ready to devour these virtues as weaknesses.

It should only be shown at the right time.

Like the Truth, if others are not ready for what you are about to say, it will break you rather than make you.

And by this, it has become more and more difficult to find worthy men that we may be honest with.

The loneliness will only get deeper.

But that is my task to get it sorted out.

The past is the past, and I am ready to be honest with what I think, but will people be ready for them?

Until the time comes, what has passed will be locked away safely.

Not for fear of shame, but for fear that if I say them to you, it may bring more darkness into you, that the world has seen one more who would readily have done evil for his own selfish means.

For fear that it may cloud your judgement and use them to judge wrongly against all things.

You would only hear of the beginning and the end, but have no stomach for the middle. And it is what lies in the middle that is the key of the whole matter.

It will be knowledge you are not ready to be responsible for.

It is my past.

I am serving my term and paying my dues for them.

And I will serve them till the day I am free.

I do not ask for your forgiveness.

I only ask for a fair judgement.

So would we rather be at harmony or shame with the past?

I cannot completely reject them, for I reject a Truth placed so plainly before me.

I can only accept them, and seek to derive meaning from the past.

That is the only way to make them worth it.

It gives worth and meaning to pain.

That pain is only the means to the end.

Pain is not all. The fruits are yet to come.

Beyond Knowledge

2011-04-17T17:25:00.004+08:00

Knowledge sets you free.

But freedom comes with responsibilities. Sometimes we are not ready for them.

If we don't know how to handle knowledge, it may break us rather than make us.

Its whispers at the back of your head commands you to do unimaginable darkness.

No knowledge by itself is never bad.

Just like all things in life.

You see the Truth itself is neither good or bad. It is human interpretation that gives it meaning.

What aids us this time may come to harm us another day.

The key is how we use that knowledge, and not to be deceived by its seemly magnificent claims.

There is nothing to be proud about that.

Knowledge may seem to give you power, but what it does is only piling more responsibilities on your shoulders.

Responsibilities for the lesser ones, for those without that knowledge.

It pains me at times, that even though the Truth lies so plainly before me, and the answer so terribly obvious, I cannot say anything because no one will understand.

They would call me troublemaker, and that what I bring as poison.

No one will treat the Truth as such until they are ready for what it has to say. It will always be a lie.

That was what I went through.

Pain will make us learn. It uproots what does not work and forces us to rewrite everything.

And when everything comes crashing down we begin to search for ways to never repeat it again.

And so the solution is simple.

The pain of what I see is another thing for me to get used to.

Because that is part of the Truth. That men will not recognize the Truth because it is prove that our ways are wrong.

We don't have that courage to believe in the Truth, or to leave our comfort zone, no matter how searing those flames are.

Comfort in the false, is hardly welcoming comfort at all.

We would rather wonder in pain than to accept the obvious facts.

The world around us makes us think so too, that the pain is part of life. It need not be so. We need not always do the things that lead us to pain.

We don't like pain. So pain for the right things. Feel pain for the things that will truly make us learn.

Until people are ready to listen, ready to not run away in vain again, I will keep my silence.

Silence will make me learn many things.

More about my surroundings, more about myself, more about how to come up with ways to deal with things. Because no one else has the way. Only I can find it for myself.

I have learnt many things. But there are still many things to learn. And it will never be enough.

There is only so much I can see by myself. I have much to learn from the others as well.

That all are equal in the eyes are God, even though we are different. Because we all see the Truth with our own ways.

It does not matter how much we have. What matters is we give our all.

I will give my all.

Because no one can be responsible for what is to come. It is me alone who will face the consequences. I cannot be facing the consequence of the choices made by others.

If I don't give my all, who will?

If I don't look at the facts and save myself, who else can?

At the end of the day, it is all about accepting..

2011-04-10T17:50:00.010+08:00

This is my second post for the weekend.

Perhaps to put a little Light into the gloom I have painted.

I have learnt a lot recently. Having seen a lot of things, both good and bad. But I have kept myself away from them, partially because they are none of my business, and partially because I get to learn more this way.

Combining what I am seeing now with what I have seen in the past. Always correcting views I have here and there. Trying to find the balance out of all things I have on hand.

Thing are going well in recent times. The deeper I peer, the clearer things become. It seems that most thing I dig out of the ground fit into the equations I have written.

The things that once confused me now provide answers to my questions.

Perhaps I am close to a formula that can finally calm the raging seas within me.

I still look back to the past.

In part for more lessons and more data for my current work, and in part to those days before things got complicated.

I am close to the answers that I want. I may be able to finish the concluding chapters for these age old books.

A lot more things make sense now. What were the injustices, what were my wrongs, and what were the wrongs played by every individual involved.

And with the past I ponder for a future ahead.

Well, there isn't really much to ponder. Much has been burnt to ashes. Though we may still have leftovers here and there, not all really matters.

Not all are worthy to be treasured.

All I saw of the past is now one huge giant wasteland, the fields full of charred remnants of war. These used to remind me of our past struggles, up till the very end.

But now I have grown numb to it. Or rather, I have found a way to get used to them. They no longer bother me. And now I sieve through the wastelands looking at the past glory.

Searching for evidence that agrees or disagrees with the new equations I have now.

Always looking at things from different perspectives, the pieces slowly adds up to form good enough pictures for analysis.

When we deal with a complex world, we require the same amount of complexity to understand it.

But complexity is just the means to an end. One day when we have enough data, we create one beautiful equation such that it will reduce a group of complexities into one handy simplicity.

The unification of one big group of data into one simple thought function.

I've figured that at times, it is not difficult to know the right or wrong. It is having the courage to do what is right that is difficult.

And for any reasons that we might have, to do the things that lead us further away from the right.

But that is up to me to find the way, to know what to let go, what is false and what is worth treasuring.

A complex dance of everything to produce orderly patterns that aids us in discerning the world.

That is how I will grow. That is how I don't look back. That is how I keep myself sane.

That is how I find the balance.

The world may say that all things are easy. But it is only so because we have kept ourselves away from the complex but vital questions.

To put it in a harsher way, what we see is a lie.

And I want to see beyond that lie.

To not get sucked into the vanities of the modern world. To not just accept things because we were told it is right, but to find out the right for myself.

At the end of the day, it is all about having the courage to accept what we see.

And the outcome of the equations. The sometimes terrible state of reality.

It is easy for us to rejoice when things are beautiful, when things are right. But what about when things go wrong? Are they not pieces of reality also? Should we not take stride and continue our work with discerning what is ugly too?

And once we accept that, we can begin our task of reasoning all of that into understandable information.

And then seemly complex and unpleasant things will begin to make sense. Then we will see that it actually aligns with reality, and is not an anomaly.

This is where I found my peace. So far that peace is hard to break. So far the theory as a whole holds its ground.

How I wish I can share it with those I know so that they may experience the peace I have felt.

But alas that is not possible. Not many people are ready to face the ugly, true side of reality, what is part of the Truth.

To an unprepared soul, these will only serve to break them further away from reality.

Because these are brutal evidence that our ways are wrong. It stands to be corrected.

I thank the Lord for putting me through the tough times in the past, and showing me what are really beautiful, those things that ought to be kept close to heart.

For it is only through this way that I can find the peace I want. It is only through this that I have come to realize that peace is all we need.

That to a turbulent soul, all things that come out of it will be faulty and incomplete.

I wish one day, I may bring what I saw to you in a way kind to your easily troubled self, and in a way you may accept. So that you may enjoy the peace I have seen, and provide answers to your questions.

For you are still and always will be, my greatest blessing.

Apathy

2011-04-09T16:32:00.011+08:00

It was once believed that apathy is death.

Knowledge confers power and responsibility.

Responsibility for those who lacked that knowledge.

And therefore knowledge brings both freedom AND burden.

It was shown that I lacked the ability to take up that responsibility. It is one thing to know the Truth, but it is another to bring it to those who are not aware of its existence.

This is the crux of my problem.

Do not be mistaken. Things are great for me now. My relations with people are great. This is what I observed about the world at large.

I could understand many things, know the depths of people and see through them. But I lack the ability to communicate effectively with them.

The closer I get, the less are my options.

The world is not interested in the Truth.

We are only interested in superficial appearances, wrapping the charred bodies within a thin layer of lies.

And we feed off that lie and pretend it is our nourishment. We look at the miserable wrappings and pretend it is our glory.

Then we began to wonder why things don't work for us, that the more we try the further it gets us away from what is right.

That the harder we try, the harder it gets.

Don't you all see, that the equations are faulty, that what we are told about the world is only half the Truth and therefore a lie?

To be engulfed in matters that we ought to avoid, because we do not have the ability to handle such complexities!

To demand for all things and yet do nothing about those demands, expecting that some divine power will somehow deliver these to us.

Don't you see, that God does not work in such ways.

God created the world based on a set of fundamental Laws, and all things adhere to these laws.

That 'Energy cannot created or destroyed; it can only be converted from one form into another'.

If you want something then you must work for it. If you refuse to do so, then it is only right that you do not get what you want.

If you do something that logically leads to sadness and suffering, then that is what you will get. There is no escape.

You see, the world does not see these. We want the easy way out, and do not work towards streamlining the equations to make things so.

Not only do we not see these, they do not WANT to see these. We believe in the warped sense of reality taught to us.

We believed it is true because we were told it is true. We accepted the programs without knowing its coding.

Don't you see, THAT is the real apathy!

The blunt ignorance to not search for what is true when we are able to! The outright acceptance of things that are logical but not right!

I know the Truth enough to understand these.

And therefore I keep my silence when things go out of balance.

It has happened before. I have lost all I had. But I no longer hold regrets.

To speak is to imprison myself with sorrow.

Sorrow that the world does not listen and destroys the Truth.

I have kept my silence for long, and thus far it works.

It pays far more to keep that silence, and watch how the world live by its false rules.

The rules of sinful simplicity and appearances, of false understanding and ignorance.

Few are not like that. I have seen those who are not so. I am grateful.

You learn a lot more this way.

I want to help, to bring more Light into a dark world.

A world of lust, violence, appearances and false hopes. A world seduced by our inner darkness, a world lay prostrate before the wrongs, a world without knowledge of what is right.

A world who kept doing that things that lead us to inner emptiness, not knowing that what we have done does not give us what we want, and kept wondering why it is so.

And therefore I must understand the world, its false equations and attributes, in order to sieve through its cracks and bring Light to them.

That is my job. That is why the Lord gave me what I have. That is what I am here for.

To see the darkness of the world and find an answer to it. To see my own darkness and give an answer to them.

And no job is possible without hope.

Most importantly, no skilled worker can do what he must without first learning the rules of his trade.

The more I see, the more accurate I become. The more data I have, the better I can correct my views.

Though perfection is beyond reach, that does not mean we do not try. We attempt to get the best approximation out of the Truth.

That is why apathy is a bliss.

It shields you from being broken by seeing minor imperfections and injustices, bearing in mind that these are what we are.

It moderates idealism, shatters the misleading fairytale, and reminds us of what is the normal behavior of men.

It allows you to differentiate minor, 'acceptable' wrongs from outright darkness.

It allows you to keep the silence and tell the Truth only at the right time.

But for those times that obvious corrective actions are required, then we must do what is right. That is the time when we break the silence.

I am glad I have come to learn all these.

But this is not not the end.

It will never be the end. We will never know enough. We will never know it all.

There is nothing to be proud about.

Never stop looking forward, never accept half-measures.

And most importantly, never look back.

What was buried, remains buried.

2011-03-26T15:09:00.004+08:00

How much is forgiveness worth?

How would forgiveness change the landscape already made different by renewal?

How should it change a system already convinced of its practicability?

I would think no longer on this issue.

Because what was buried was meant to be buried. The earth covering their graves too heavy and solid, for it was intentionally set to be so upon burial.

The remains of the past rots and degenerates with the passage of time. The stench revolting, and their appearances horrific.

They were once beautiful, but they were promptly destroyed by the many things that plagued the world these days.

It will not do the present, the future or the remains themselves justice to exhume them and see their rotted remains again.

The burial grounds should remain serene and solemn, the dead should be left to rest, so as to serve as a fitting memory for what has passed.

And not filled with the stench and sadness for what has passed.

Now is the time to continue thinking about the future, and not let the past pose any distractions again.

And to stick with the judgement that even till now, things should remain as it is.

I am used to, and even thrives in the way things are now. It is simply not worth at all to embrace a failed system once again.

I have a future to be responsible for. I have the Truth to be responsible for. And I have the calling of the Light to answer.

All these are for the history books, and not worth living again.

And never, will I allow my future to be overwhelmingly left in the hands of individuals who should not be trusted with it at all.

For it is they who make their choices and demands, but I who bear the consequences.

It is not so bad to get things done myself.

The chains were unshackled and I now roam free, searching for a future and meaning that is mine alone.

For it is true, once again, that when all else fails what's really left is yourself, and the choices you can make from that moment on.

What values to embrace, what to do, and how to rebuild a future from then on.

I have learnt all I can from what has passed. It is now time to look towards the future again, where many green pastures are, and where new things can be learnt.

I think I have said enough.

I have nothing to be proud about. I do not desire glory a bit, or derive any satisfaction by impressing the others.

I just want to live life happy, continue my search for happiness and the Truth, and share it with those who truly matter when the time is right.

As for anything else that is not relevant, I leave it for the rest to decide.

A moment in Forgiveness

2011-03-19T12:48:00.009+08:00

We all want a little less darkness in the world.

But why do we keep embracing things that brings us darkness?

To be proud of the things that we ought to be ashamed of, to give in to our fears, to select the easy way out?

The way in which we perceive our lives are such that it is no longer worth doing what is right most of the time.

And what is deemed to be right is slowly being warped. In time we will all forget what is right in the first place.

But yeah, it is a must to accept imperfections in life, to work within these constraints, and to bring the most light out of this world.

We may ponder at these imperfections, but we must never be broken by them.

The same goes for how we perceive people.

Is it really difficult to forgive a truly repentant person?

The same reasoning can be applied here, that it is a must to accept the imperfections in people, to work with them and to see the best out of them.

It is difficult to appreciate everyone, but make no mistake, there is a good and useful purpose in everyone.

It is just our emotions and our inherent faults that compel us to make decisions that veer us towards the wrong.

That is the current limit of my understanding.

But how do you resolve forgiveness with a person when the past weighs ever so heavily upon your mind?

What exactly is the nature of that weight?

Is it because certain deeds committed in the past have yet to be answered in full, such that its original costs may be justified one way or another and be freed?

Or is it that the pains of certain wounds have yet to wear off, and that the newly grown skin over them have yet to mature?

Or perhaps it is that the new system what was built to adapt to this new reality have yet to be ironed out of all its faults?

It is easy to accept forgiveness. It is an absolute value, intended to be warm and light embracing.

But for me, perhaps that will come later.

Forgiveness will take some time to sink in, just as how a viscous liquid will slowly make its way into a complex sponge.

The truth, revelation and forgiveness themselves are comforting. Like all truth it must be taken into account. But the process of substituting them into what is currently understood will take some time.

Old, painful and dark events will have to be torn from their comfortable roots, reviewed in this new understanding again and with it, old chapters be re-written again.

The pain that was buried along with them may have to resurface. The darkness that went to the ground with them may have to cast its cold again.

It will be a costly process, mauled with occasional periods of gloom.

But it is all worth it, for an event so important, with so many lessons derived from it.

And then comes the question of what goes on from here?

I dare not think or dream about its consequences. For things like these are generally beyond my comprehension. It is best, like all things, to leave the future to the Lord.

For now my job is, as always, to understand the world.

And this is just one part of the things that I must understand.

The pain, costs and darkness that we all see must come. It cannot be avoided, just like how one must spend effort before food is brought unto the table.

But always root yourself in light and truth, with rightful intentions, and not be swept away by the easy but dark ways of pain.

Because pain is brought to us by the light to strengthen us, so that we may eventually see more of the light and bring it to others who have less than us.

And when one day the necessity of events compel me to, I must apply what I have learnt to effectively complete what must be done.

Things are a lot easier than how it was when things first collapsed.

There is now greater understanding, more flexibility in the system and more resources to deal with these new facts.

And there is hope, for the better and wiser future ahead.

I have learnt to calm down and work with peace. The only real thing that threatens me is to consider things without these two things again.

It has always not be easy, when it comes to this matter. But that does not mean it cannot be done.

Give me time, and I will be fine again.

-----

It is comforting to know you have learnt to forgive, and given deep thought into what has passed.

For what the world needs is more forgiveness, more thought and more appreciation of what we have.

The past affects you as much as it has for me, albeit in a very different and less comprehensible way than mine.

Nonetheless, it is always a joy to see that there is more understanding and light in your world, and you have grown a lot wiser for what is to come.

The pain, sorrow and effort is all part of growing up. We must not shun them, for this is what we must do.

I am happy that things may become easier for you from now on, and that perhaps certain things going on within you may be made simpler for you to understand.

What goes on from here, nobody knows. It is too early to dream or to will.

We may not always get to where we want, but there will always be something for us wherever we may end up.

What has passed has passed, but what it has brought us still remains.

And it will be some time before things become clear again.

'Thought'

2011-03-13T20:15:00.005+08:00

I find myself telling other people soaked in their problems something others have once told me:

"Don't think too much"

There are times when our worries overwhelm our rationale, bringing our minds to places where it cannot handle.

It is natural to think ahead. We worry so that we are more vigilant when it comes to something critical.

But when things go out of hand, we wonder around too much and lost our way.

Our emotions get carried away. The little things become big, and the really important things become small.

Your mind wonders everywhere but nowhere, the really critical things that require attention get little if any at all.

Calm is what make everything from the past.

A little calm goes a long way to restoring clarity in the mind.

Calm is often discredited as boredom, but is boredom really that bad after all?

It is a luxury, when we have nothing immediate to worry about.

This is where we slow everything down, separate the big from the small and cast out what is unimportant from our minds.

Only then can our mind allocate resources to where it matters, and when decisions can be accurate.

Knowing when to be sad and when to stop before it causes lasting harm.

At times it is good to be sad about the past, because it drives in a lasting reminder of what not to be again.

This is where we don't get our emotion get mixed with what ought to be done.

Very often we know what needs to be done. It is just our emotions distorting and deviating our minds away from what is right.

Our desires, the shortcuts we hope to get, and sometimes even leaving everything to luck.

We attribute things to luck too easily. What luck has in store for us we will never know, but we can prepare ourselves should it strike for the worse, or ride on its winds should it be favourable to us.

After taking into account these deviations and, as much as possible by subtracting them from the situation, we get a clearer picture of what we want.

That confusion is gone.

Piece by piece a complex problem is broken down into understandable pieces, examined carefully and put back again, this time with a workable plan in place.

A plan that is sustainable, achievable and yet not too half-hearted.

Emotions are things that we want, but they may not necessary be things that needs to be done.

Take them into account, study them and understand them, so that one will not be dragged along by them and not return to where he belongs.

And bearing in mind that nothing comes free, and when we want something effort must be put in. If in our laziness we decide to put in less effort than ideal, we must be prepared to accept a less than ideal situation.

No complains, less conflict, more calm, more clarity.

And life becomes less complex and more understandable.

Everything can be reasoned out and rationalized, even something as complex and multi-layered as emotions.

We do give too much awe and amazement to emotions at times, such that we are not aware they too are logically structured and can be effectively discerned.

Because of emotions, we cut short a plan and deviate away from what is right.

Once emotions are taken into account, substituted and goes side by side with a plan, it is more likely to be executed in full. This is where our goals can be achieved.

And the little goals we have form the big picture where larger goals can be achieved.

Remember your little sanctuary of calm.

Enjoy its soothing embrace and let your mind be free for a while, but be wary not to be too intoxicated by it and forget what needs to be done.

Here it becomes escapism and no longer solves the problem.

The same process can be used to decide if any action or plan is required at all in the first place, understanding that some things are best left untouched.

They might be there for a reason, and it is up to us to find it out and reason with it. This in turn, is a different thing altogether again.

At the end of it all, it is equally important to know when to say 'stop', and get back to the work at hand or if it is worth giving any more thought to the question at hand.

This is what I have learnt thus far.

Nothing to be proud about.

Just want to find out the way things work:

Life still remains logical.

At times it is good to put in extra thought into matters.

The question is where, when and what.

What should be the focus and what should not be.

When we should be focused on the immediate task at hand and not let our concerns overwhelm us.

To give thought to everything at once means giving no thought to anything at all.

And there are times when nothing should be thought of at all. We rest and give our minds space to be focused again.

Never lie to yourself. Never let your emotions lie to you about what is right.

With these, I go forward in great hope that the past will never happen again.

It had been too costly and too painful.

They are all Blessings...

2011-03-06T18:28:00.002+08:00

Life is full of blessings.

The little good things we receive every now and then.

The pleasant surprises and bonuses.

The things that rightfully don't belong to us, but were given to us anyway.

We get lucky, and get a little extra here and there.

That good rest at the end of the day.

Or perhaps how things suddenly make a small twist, and we find our plans easier to execute.

The smiles, laughs, and foolish things we share with each other.

The servings of meals we get everyday.

That smile on each other's faces.

The rewards, comforts and fortunes.

The blessings that comes with Peace.

Of course it is easy to give thanks and praise when life is filled with good things.

How about when the going gets tough, when there is less to smile about, but instead we are trying our best to hold back our frowns?

The constant fear of punishment and the loss of privileges.

And on how those with authority uses our fears to keep the flock in line.

The unpredictability of life.

That we lived through each day without punishment, and another day of uncertainty lies ahead.

The rapid introduction of new things.

The tightening of the noose, where there are less space to maneuver.

The logistical challenges and problems.

When what we have taken for granted are taken away from us.

When we were called to give more with less.

The distance from home and warmth.

Or perhaps how sometimes the past flies back and peck on our healing wounds.

Should we fear and reject all these, the Truth and what is real?

All these are blessings too.

And like all blessings we give thanks to them.

The grinding of teeth, the searing heat and the mad whispers of our fears.

They are blessings because they strengthen us.

We evolve ways to deal ever more effectively with them.

Till a day comes when there is nothing more to fear, not even bad luck.

That is when we look back with both comfort and joy, that we have grown stronger.

Then we will no longer curse these difficult endeavours, for while we have lost something while we first met them, we got a lot more back at the end of it all.

What does not kill you, makes you stronger.

You give your best in everything you do, every challenge or curse you meet, and strive on for that rightful end no matter the obstacles.

And even if you do not give your best, it is fine, because even this will teach you to give your best in such situations next time.

There is really no such thing as regret, because either way we learn something, we take something home with us.

And when it is all over, it is no use arguing with yourself whether could we have taken more, because there is always the next time, and it will be better.

That is when we can take more.

It need not be material. Knowledge is as precious as the tangible things we can perceive.

This is life, full of difficult and uncomfortable challenges.

But that is not all about life. Remember the rewards, the comforts and those that makes us smile.

Even those times when we find it difficult or when failure looms, we still smile because we know it will be good for us.

And there will come a time when you tell yourself that given a chance to go back in time and go through these all over again, you will make the same choices because you have learnt a lot from them.

Through all the failures, pain, disappointment, sorrow and biting of tongues, you still muster a smile and give thanks to it all.

Life is a blessing.

Live with hope, give thanks to all that comes your way, and never look back in regret.

For if there is a chance for things to get better, it will get better.

A HUGE Surprise..

2011-02-18T22:07:00.007+08:00

It was late at night and there was some unusual activity at the docks. Vehicles driving up and down, with some extra equipment left lying on the wharfs. Too much activity for a sole US submarine docked there I thought.

Plus they've been lowering several huge fenders to the side of the wharf, basically bundles of tires that prevent the ship's hull from hitting the wharfs as they drift while docked.

I had a strong feeling that something huge is coming in within the next 48 hours.

And so it did. The next morning we came out of the lecture theater looking at a HUGE US aircraft carrier waiting for the tugs to bring her in. It was my first time seeing these hulks. The decks were filled with aircraft. I spotted an E-2C Hawk Maritime Patrol aircraft and dozens of F/A-18 Hornet.

And that box-like superstructure, only one type in the world has it. It is unmistakably a Nimitz-class nuclear powered aircraft carrier, the largest and best in the world. With almost 5,000 crew members it equals the amount of personnel we have in the whole of Singapore Navy!

It generated so much attention among the trainees. Everyone stopped every now and then to steal a look at that monster when moving from place to place. We were so excited.

Can 5,000 people really live in there??

I even delayed lunch to watch her dock. Never mind being hungry, this is a once in a lifetime experience!

How can I not be amazed? These are America's principal means of global power projection. One carrier alone, properly escorted, can dominate an entire region. And here is one right in front of my eyes, just outside the windows of my bunk.

And a nuclear reactor, so close to us. Wow.

Number '72' was painted on the starboard side of the superstructure. A quick search online revealed that the one outside is USS Abraham Lincoln.

It was so huge 3 of Singapore's frigates can fit comfortably in it.

We get surprises here every week. My first week here was greeted by a US Los Angeles-class hunter-killer submarine (non-nuclear powered). Then came an Arleigh Burke-class destroyer, also USA, and last week was a Ticonderosa-class missile cruiser, one that dwarfed all of Singapore's ships in harbour.

You look at real things, very visible objects that we get to work with. Even if it belongs to another country, it belongs to our trade. It concerns us.

I really like it here. What more can I ask for?

We have so much fun each day in our bunk. We even forget to fall asleep sometimes and just keep on talking. Life is really different here, the people are really different here. It makes you forget about everything.

I met ghosts of my past. I learn to forgive. I learn a different way to interpret things. I learnt not to hate.

And I've figured, that some things ought to remain forgotten, even temporarily. The longer they are forgotten the better, because it burns you only when you allow it to. And when they are sometimes unintentionally called to mind, it makes you think about what lessons ought to be learnt. It has happened a long, long time ago, but something is learnt every time we look at it from a different angle.

These brief moments of darkness and pain reminds myself of the need to keep it nailed down, not let it affect my life and constantly seek for a better future ahead.

It is not forgotten, but that does not make me lesser than who I am. In fact, it drives me even further in search of a better self. It all depends on how you reason with it and your inner self. Even emotional pain can be tapped upon to produce something useful.

And I've learnt quite a lot, from these quiet days in camp. That in life nothing is perfect, be it people, our past or our emotional well-being. It is these imperfections that stir the flux, and when there is disruption of calm we learn something from it.

The ships that come in every now and then gives me something to look forward to, and an extra spice to the quiet life here. Sure we get a big woo-ha every now and then, but compared to my peers elsewhere, I ought to be grateful for the relative calm I receive here.

To forgive but not forget. To have less hate in life, and more to look forward to. The lessons too valuable, the joys too memorable. The mistakes, I'll never commit again.

..the old ways would not have gone away.

2011-02-06T17:20:00.002+08:00

The fires still burn, but they no longer scald as much as they did before.

The smoke thins, and the sun returns to the lands again.

New life seethes through the fields and the forests.

Their paths are good enough for one to walk through again.

Peace returns, restoring normalcy, the way things are supposed to be.

One can take time to wonder at beauty again.

The flames reduced the magnificent but foolish monuments of the old into ashes.

The ashes in turn provide nourishment for new life.

The flames are wise. The useless ways of the old were vanquished, while the useful ones were left behind.

The land welcomes these useful ways into the new order.

And combined with the new life that governs these lands, breeds hope for a better future ahead.

For the pains that the land had to incur for these flames, it is now enjoying the fruits of a fresh start.

Had there be no flames, the old ways would not have gone away.

There would be no knowledge of the right and wrong.

There would have been no fresh beginning.

However some ruins of the old can never be burned away. No fire is strong enough.

We take a walk at times to visit these sites again, to live the old times and wonder at the glorious pasts.

Wonder at the sheer foolishness we held before.

Yet wonder also at the joy these foolishness brought.

And perhaps even wonder at the knowledge these foolishness will bring, as we learn more and more about them.

But the ruins will never rise again.

Life will grow over them, steadily hiding them from sight.

Until the day they are thoroughly forgotten, less those that are larger in size.

But the lessons, the knowledge, and perhaps the joys they have brought will always remain.

Because they will always be our past, a part of us, something we must learn to live with and live off.

They can teach us many things, only if we listen with fair thought.

And there will be those fires that may never extinguish, a small part where destruction will always rage.

Tell thyself no matter, for peace and joy has returned to the lands, even though destruction still lives, it is but a small part of life.

We must accept that life can never be entirely flawless.

About People

2011-02-02T17:58:00.002+08:00

There are some things that we don't learn it all in one go.

It takes time to slowly get over and tear down the things that prevent us from learning in the first place.

And some of these things are very well hidden within us, not easily detectable and difficult to remove. Things like pride, prejudice, and fear.

Things I'm slowly tearing down and reorganizing, so that they no longer have that much of an influence over me.

I start by calming down and tell myself that there are many things in life that are not so big deal after all.

We fall and hurt ourselves here and there. Sure it will hurt, but we all fell before, so what's so special about my case?

I am fortunate enough to be able see the good and bad in people, but it is up to me how I should interpret the information I get.

If I decide that he is bad, then he will be so.

But what's the point of judging? Why establish my superiority over the other person? Why should I have the need to feel I AM superior to him?

I've figured out that while we are capable of learning some fragments of the Truth, it is up to us to decide how to handle it.

So what if he is bad? Don't we have bad points here and there too? That makes us equals.

There will be some day when we will discover that person in another light, so that we will see that he is not so bad after all.

Or there is that someone whom we can never work it out with.

We avoid what we can, but some day when situation leaves you with no choice but to face him, you'll have to come up with something to deal with it.

Just remember, regardless of our faults, we still have a certain measure of control over our actions, over how we treat people.

And it is these that will make all the difference.

Weakness is the norm, and not the anomaly. We should not scorn them, for we have weaknesses of our own as well.

At the end of the day, it is our weakness together with our strengths that makes each of us special.

Each a system with its own logic and laws, with its own beauty and flavour.

And at the end of the day, these are the people you have to work and live with.

No we are not trying to lie to ourselves. Its all in the mind. Its all about the peace we get.

What for if the way we chose to see the world can hardly bring us any peace at all?

Without peace, how can we have that clarity in our thoughts? How can we make fair decisions and choices in life?

Then we will fail and descend into internal darkness again.

I treasure this peace, and the environment that makes all these learning possible.

Not thinking that much anymore.

All these will come when you stop searching for them and have the right mindset in life.

They will come in handy some day.

Happiness is all in the mind

2011-01-30T16:50:00.005+08:00

Life can be really simple. Its all in the mind.

It is about letting go of all that has passed. Not of the what has happened, but of the ill feelings associated with them. Those are the ones that drag us down and make us lesser than what we truly are.

Don't let the supposed responsibilities associated with them drag you down. I've figure that they are gone and there's nothing left for me to be responsible about.

And it is time I let go of the guilt.

The only thing I should be responsible about is the future, and all these are dragging me down.

To do myself justice I need to be open to the future, and be who I truly am.

Aren't we all about achieving happiness for ourselves?

I caught some of it by thinking less, leaving the more distant matters till they become more important before setting out to work on them.

I would rather think about what to do tomorrow morning than what should I do when I get out of National Service.

It conserves resources and brings the brainpower to places where they are needed most.

It makes me a more relaxed, and I'm a lot happier.

I still see many things around me, most of them not so good ones. But it is up to me whether I want to give them credit or not.

Why pass judgement when in fact they cloud my views on what people truly are?

I really enjoy sitting on the pavement beside the sea in camp, listening to some music and just stare into the ship lights far, far away.

Or just lying down and look at the stars above, trying to listen what are they telling me.

All these while keeping my mind empty, and just let it roam free, thinking about what it wants to think, and not what I want it to think.

And through that peace I found happiness. It can really be so simple.

The door was set such that it can never be opened from either side.

So why continue thinking about what lies on the other side of the door?

Time to put it one side and move on in life.

And more than anything else, stop thinking about any possibilities about opening that door again.

Just smile and live life free...

Yes, just deal with it.

2011-01-23T00:23:00.006+08:00

I really like my new life in the Navy.

We have a lot of time for ourselves every evening, and things run at a more relaxed pace than BMT.

We have sea-view bunks where the sunrise greets us every morning. It is cold at night, and the breezes just keep coming. The people there are sincere, uncomplicated and kind. What a delightful environment to be in.

I have a lot more time to plan ahead, either for the upcoming lessons and for what is possibly needed in the days to come. Most importantly, to make myself comfortable and adapt well to this new culture.

I can have that spare mental capacity that has been gone for the last 3 months or so. I now have the time and ease to think about life.

Many things come flashing back to me. The things that you see, words and pictures, it automatically triggers the memory search function in your brain. And then it makes you feel the emotion associated with that memory.

Some sad and some joyful. Many thoughts of 'what-ifs' and 'it could have turned out otherwise', dangerous ideas that can easily slip into regret. It is exactly thoughts that these that make one suffer.

But hey I've learnt to deal with these myself. They are here to stay and so I'll cover them up myself, and find the right answers to these questions. No need to trouble anyone else like old times.

I still value the skill of not thinking so much at the right times.

I'm a grown man now, and military training taught me a lot. I have the necessary tools to deal with all these, and deal with it I shall.

This is one mistake of the past that I wished to correct, and I'll continue to work on it.

It feels great now. The place I stay for the bulk of the week calms my soul and heals its scars. There are times when certain sights or thoughts bring back intense feelings for the old times.

But these come and go, and perhaps soon, I won't feel much about them anymore.

What a pity that will be. Those were such beautiful memories...

Maybe, this is growing up...

2011-01-15T16:57:00.003+08:00

I think back to the more exciting and colourful days. Never could there be nothing we cannot talk about. Topics flow freely, and the boundaries are few. We were filled aplenty, never lonely or distant away from each other.

But the more dense things became, the more combustible it was when a spark set us all on fire.

The choice was made to leave the flames and carve out a future of our own.

Then came the realization that the line between the right and the wrong was in fact always very clear. It is the choices that each individual made that mattered, that either brings us closer or further away from what was right.

What preceded those colourful days are periods of relative dull and quiet. It is boring to stare at empty streets, and boredom often brings about intense feelings of nostalgia.

But what was traded away brought about peace, quiet and clarity. These funded a renewed study into what was right or wrong, and about life. The noise and confusion gave way to unprecedented clarity and peace, a perfect environment for thought and discovery.

No authoritarian ideas or persons to adhere to. No external parties to account for. Most importantly, no need to live in an environment where the past chains us down and clouds our judgement. Some found the past hard to forgive, and it stuck on to them, blotting out their views, making them less credible than they should be.

In this peace I can create a self and future without the past weighing down on me, and without a past to account for. In this clarity I can see for myself what the Truth really is.

And I have learnt how dangerous the Truth is, especially when it was revealed to persons who are not ready for them. So why talk when scorn is all that was returned?

This world judges overwhelmingly on appearances, and not on what things truly are. Because most people have lost their ability to discern what is real, what really are the knifes and toxic hiding behind people's frontal appearances.

Our egos, pride, selfishness and that overwhelming obsession to hide from the world our less capable self. There is nothing wrong to be less capable, but why is everyone so afraid of weakness, so much so we have to hide ourselves to those we ought to trust? Why are so eager to pounce upon weakness?

I have learnt to play their game, to thrive in the very system that brought an end to the old ideas. By learning this system I can see even further through the walls, to see what is real for myself.

But sometimes I just couldn't be bothered to peer that deep anymore. There is no purpose or meaning in handling pieces of Truth that I cannot use, moreover it has only caused more confusion within me.

I have learnt that attempting to learn the whole Truth can drive you mad. I am content with only what is practically needed, keeping the rest away until they become important.

I am happy now, with where I stand and with what I have, without the chaos of the old. I'm content to think about and slowly build a future without the burdens of the old. From the ashes I am slowly rising again.

Perhaps, this is growing up. And if it is, adulthood is not as scary as some have claimed after all.

Very, very unexpected

2011-01-14T17:09:00.006+08:00

Most of us were quite shocked at our postings, either for the better or worse. Me too.

I used to laugh at the Navy being the most insignificant arm of the SAF. Well who needs naval defense when we already have the Air Force guarding everything else? I could never see the logic behind it. We could have put all those extra money into more planes.

And yeah, all those time overseas and away from home. At least in the army we'll still be in the country. Chances are you'll be overseas when you sail with the Navy. And I'm quite a home person.

I'm definitely not the person for Command School.

Now it is up to me to derive that logic out, because I'm one of the few who got lucky enough to be posted OUTSIDE of the army after BMT. Well its supposed to be quite difficult to get posted out of the army after BMT, but from what I saw, this batch had a higher than average amount heading to Air Force and Navy as NSFs (non-regulars).

No more Standard Obstacle Course, SAR-21 firing, outfield trainings and physically demanding activities. I don't mind doing these, but I certainly don't excel at them.

But I've NEVER thought I'd end up in the Navy. I still dream last night that I'll end up in Recon or Guards. Even rifleman will be better than the former 2 vocations.

I guess God has a plan for everyone, and sometimes things turn out in a way we hardly expect them to. I guess His plan for me is revealed in today's posting.

To use more brains than brawl, and perhaps to go out and see the world for myself. Hey, that's what I've always wanted, to see the world and experience the difference in cultures.

I've checked it out and I'll have a lot of time to myself in Navy school. Again I can use the time to do what I've always wanted, finish the set of books I have at home, and maybe even go for extra workout. Just that this time I can do it at my own pace, and not be rushed like the army.

It'll be a stay in, which means I still get to book out every Friday and go back in every Sunday, but life inside seems to be a lot more relaxed than BMT. We'll spend most of our time studying, something I've been yearning to do for a long, long time.

Good thing I brushed up on my swimming just before enlistment, because we'll get to swim a lot!

I've also read quite positive experiences for those in the Navy, well a good mix of good and bad. But all agree its a lot better than the army.

They say God works in mysterious ways. His plan for me turns out to be very unexpected, but it all fits just nice for me.

I'll be a sailor, and be part of the effort protecting our seas.

I once told someone that we might not always end up where we want to be, but no matter where we end up there'll always be something for us.

I look forward to the days ahead!

A Difficult Subject

2011-01-13T10:23:00.004+08:00

Don't we all seek the fruit of forgiveness? That freedom from the prick of our conscience, the complete absolution from the wrongs we have done. Something we so eagerly sought, yet so hesitant on giving.

When a life filled with wrongs tries to find a road to what is right, he is haunted by the weight of his past sins.

But when have we not wronged before? Don't we all remember the times when we were truly sorry for what we have done, and could trade all that we have for that single spark of forgiveness? We felt how merciless it was not to be forgiven. We felt abandoned to the dark.

In a world where power and pride rules, how much is forgiveness worth?

Perhaps the hardest person to forgive is yourself. The originator of all wrongs you've ever remembered, the subject of blame for all the things you could have done otherwise.

Sin weighs us down. It depreciates our worth and deviates us away from what we ought to do. However sin need not remain forever. It need not be a brand we forever carry on our faces.

Sins are meant to be forgiven. It is an anomaly, not the norm. We should not become numb to the pain it causes to a repentant soul.

Because sins can teach us, or it can break us. It can warp our perception of what is right and eventually make us numb. We no longer feel pain or fear doing wrong anymore. The last barrier to darkness is removed.

Sure it makes us without fear, but what will become of us? Free ranging marauders above all reason?

Forgiveness starts from within. God may have forgiven you, Reason may have forgiven you and the whole world may have forgiven you. But if you prevent yourself from being forgiven through self blame and regret, then all of that forgiveness is wasted.

A Light is always present within you, the source that drives us to do good. Don't block it out or let your pride overcome its wisdom. Through the Light forgive yourself and move on. Ensure that whatever wrong you have done in the past does not get repeated again.

Only when you have extinguished the darkness within you can others start forgiving you.

And only then can you move on to realise who you truly are.

The past has already been made certain, but the future has not. It may be dark and stormy now, but the end is not yet. Hold on to hope and the right values and ride it out. It makes you stronger than the rest who did not ride out storms yet.

If you can't forgive yourself, then the future will always be dark, the Light blotted out by the walls of self-blame.

I'm slowly learning from the past, from all the past lessons that have been given to me. I am looking forward, slowly assuring myself with changes that these will never happen again. That is the only way I can truly forgive myself.

A little breather, where time slows for a while...

2011-01-09T20:39:00.006+08:00

9 weeks of fun. 9 weeks of exploring our own limits. 9 weeks of right and wrong.

Time for a little breather, for a short while out in the open and recall what is the world like again.

What was right and wrong, we knew best. Whether did we did the best, only we know.

We may be ready for what is to come, or we may not. Time stops for no one, and what is meant to be will come when it is due.

But before that, time for things to slow down. Time to live life as we want it again. Savour freedom in a way like never before.

We have seen the greatest and darkest of men during this time. We know what works for us and what not. We're at fault, but we've learnt quite a lot.

These lessons will prepare us for what is to come.

Let us not let the past weigh us down and chain us up. What has gone has gone, and what was wronged cannot be practically righted again.

For these 8 days, let us run like little children again. Let us take a walk down the busy street, and enjoy the little details of daily life. Let us look out for those things in life we normally took for granted. Let us remember them, and just be normal for a while again.

Let us not think so much for a while and be optimistic about things, just like how it should be.

Mistakes can be avoided, and faults corrected. But if one loses hope, then all is lost.

Two-Zero-One-Zero

2010-12-31T18:29:00.003+08:00

We bid goodbye to 2010.

So what defined 2010 for me?

2010 will perhaps be one of the most important years in my life.

Its dynamism, highs and lows and great extremes.

In this year alone I've seen the greatest of joys, sorrows, peace and renewals. Many new ideas, some worked well, some just at the start and turned out bad in the end, but most never left the drawing board.

Many lessons learnt, and most of them will be hard to forget.

Plenty of hard times, some stretched for prolonged periods, but it is during these that I learnt the most.

People coming and going.

The great times, the greatest of times that slowly degenerated into darkness.

So who's right and who's wrong?

We may take forever to answer this question, but it is something I can think it out with a lot less urgency than before.

Maybe the importance of this question will decrease as time goes on.

Because what is done is already done. The doors are sealed such that they cannot be opened from either side.

Because hate will only bring us to dark places that sears us with pain whenever we try to understand what has passed.

I will miss the old times.

But I will not think of it forever, because that may drive me crazy.

So 2010 had been a great year. It made me a better person.

I will look forward with hope and optimism, to always look out for the best in every situation presented to me.

I only resolve to hold on to the changes I have made thus far, to understand their true meaning and place in my life.

Most of all, to not the mistakes of 2010 again.

We can't have everything in life. You gain some you lose some.

It is fair, after all.

..to prove to ourselves...

2010-12-25T15:07:00.008+08:00

All prepared and ready we waited at the gates, waiting for the journey to begin.

Full of hope, enthusiasm, energy and confidence, hungry for honour and glory. Convinced that all things necessary had been packed.

The road was not difficult, but time took its toll. Time began to corrode us. There were things we were never ready for, faults that we never knew began to chew us apart.

We adapt, we changed, convinced that we came out better than before.

But after this we stood still, while others forged ahead together, creating new laughs and capabilities.

In search of comfort we made mistakes. Isolation prevented us from knowing these were mistakes until it was too late.

Until we passed the tipping point, we were left even more alone.

Left alone, time slowed even more. The laughs we never wanted to be part of now began to tear us from within.

It was not loneliness or isolation eating us. It was the fact that we made the mistake that caused the pain.

Others with a lot less can thrive a lot better than us during this march. How did we end up this way?

God was always with us. We just made the wrong choices.

Surely we have misused the graces that God has given us?

The other end is slowly creeping into sight now, as the road nears its end.

From now till the end, of course we can hang on, but times will be tough.

It is ironic that we have the ability to see through others, but are blinded when we try to look into ourselves.

What is it that blinds us? Pride? Self-denial?

The greatest of pains always comes from within, and not from the outside. It makes the challenges coming from the outside a lot more difficult to bear.

But the sight of the end will spur us on. We will finish this road and look forward to whatever that lies ahead.

Not forgetting to learn from these mistakes we have made, and not make them again when the next phase of our journey begins.

Life is painful, but through pain we learn.

Through pain we grow and through growth we pain no more.

Because we are pass the tipping point, what changes we can make now will have very limited effects.

But we change not because we want to appease the rest, but because we want to prove to ourselves that we will not stay in the same flawed form forever.

That we are made of something and we can make the wrong right again.

Hope and we'll never go wrong. Keep going with the change and we'll never be wronged. Keep moving and we'll never find ourselves in the wrong places again.

Scars will heal, mistakes will be righted, and we will grow stronger.

We pain now, so we will never pain in the same way again.

That is my hope.

A Decisive Crossroad

2010-12-19T16:56:00.006+08:00

I guess there comes a time when all of us have to decide what the future holds for us, or how we want to shape our future.

For two decades my parents have sheltered me from the most fundamental of harm. Studying in a relatively inert environment in schools provided a safe harbour from most of the realities from the outside world. Even now in BMT, I feel protected because I don't have many important choices to make. Our commanders take good care of us.

But what does the future hold for me after BMT?

My time to think about my future has come.

I'm talking about financial security. Further education. My life 10 to 20 years from now. Will I be able to support myself, my family and still get married?

I am now a man. Despite repeated assurances from my parents to not worry about family finances, how long can I ignore the fact that I would eventually have to take over, or at least lessen this responsibility from them?

I need to be responsible for myself, my family, and our future.

And now I find myself at a crossroads, where I finally have a chance to take up this banner of responsibility, and do my part as a grown man.

This path seems attractive. It offers me security, the time I need, and the money to solidify my future. It suits my character and intellect.

But it is plagued with uncertainties.

What if it does not suit me? What if the obstacles are too great? What if I feel like giving up? Am I ready for its consequences? What lies after that?

I guess I have reasonably thought out all that was necessary. There will still be uncertainties, but these are what I must accept. For with no risk comes no gain. Even so, even when all goes wrong, the greatest of risks are manageable. It could have been worse, and I have seen worse.

Time to take it up, make bold decisions and march forward.

How about thinking more to make things more certain?

Well BMT has taught me not to think so much. There are times when more you think, the more uncertain things become. So after considering the most vital of questions, it will be best to make a decision and start taking it up, or move on.

So much changes in recent months. I feel really different, and I feel great. It feels like teen-hood rapidly draining out of me. I feel ready and eager to take up the call as an adult now.

I know what I want. I know whether I have what it takes.

I have made my decision, and it is a reasonable one.

So how's life?

2010-12-12T15:21:00.004+08:00

It has been so long since I have the chance to think about what to blog. Book out weekends are always fast and furious. I try to do as much things as possible before its time to go back in again. Yes, I used to dread book ins, but there comes a time when we all get used to it.

It is always better to think positive than negative.

BMT life has been very enjoyable so far, with most of the credit for this going to my commanders. Its more like going to school than military service. They are like our teachers rather than superiors to us. They joke, talk rubbish and motivate us through these times. We are only punished when something really goes wrong, and they are reasonable about it.

BMT changed me. It set my priorities in life right. I now know what are the things in life that really matters. It made me stronger, gave me a stronger sense of responsibility and urgency. I procrastinate less, because at the end of the day it is I who lose out.

There are still many things I need to learn, but I'm glad things are going well and better for me.

I had my field camp last week. Without showers and the other usual hygiene comforts it was something radical for me, but it taught me many things. It taught me how to appreciate certain things we have always taken for granted. It taught me to keep my cool during tough times. I learnt more about people and how some behave when they are not in their comfort zone.

Now at the start of my 6th week in BMT I'm glad to say I've changed quite a bit for the better. There are still things to set right, and those will make me even better.

I still remember those times. Sometimes I even miss them, but they seem so distant now. Very soon they will be gone, swept into the vast background of memories...

It is here

2010-11-08T00:16:00.002+08:00

A new phase of my life is about to begin, and I welcome it with wide open arms.

I'm glad I have a very positive view of my National Service ahead.

Everyone has been giving me lots of support and encouragement. I feel like I can do anything now.

It goes like this:

Since I have no choice,

and I'll have to spend these two years in military service anyway,

might as well love it and make the most out of it.

And from then on the positive thoughts just flow in.

I'm really touched by all the support I've received in the past week. I'll pray for you all. Pray for me as well.

I'll not put much expectations into the days ahead, because I believe God as it all planned out. I ask nothing more than to fulfill His will.

Let the hardships shape me into someone better. Let His wisdom and strength guide me into His will.

I hope this positive mindset stays with me through even the toughest of times.

Pray for me.

The Place That Built Me

2010-11-05T11:17:00.004+08:00

The last day at work was ordinary. Nothing special to do, nothing special to see.

But at the end of it all, I went for a stroll around school for those places that defined my life.

For all the 3 years here, this place built who I am now.

My proudest and most humbled moments of my life thus far are all here.

This place set my mind free. It taught me how to search for answers, not just in studies, but also for questions in life.

For as much as I wanted to experience these events again, they're over.

Very soon another exciting book in life is about to start, and these events of the past will be obsolete. Good for drawing lessons from, good for remembering those feelings I've had, but impossible to live them through again.

Sometimes it seem to me that people just happen to come into our lives to teach us something, and when their purpose has been fulfilled, they leave.

Same for this place. It came into my life to do its work, and when its time is up it'll be time to leave it behind.

Nothing to be sad about, nothing to feel bad about. But when its buildings slowly fades away from my view, I cannot help but feel helpless that this wonderful era has come to a close.

So much of my life, in so small a space...

The Meaning of this Peace

2010-11-02T15:10:00.004+08:00

I want to be a good Christian.

There are many types of good Christians.

I don't want to be the kind that emphasizes on differences between religions. I want to be the kind that spots the similarities among them.

I don't want to be the kind that holds God beside their tongues and just talk about deep theology or quotes from the Bible.

I want to discern the Bible and within it God's teachings, so that I can figure a way out how to do His will on Earth.

I want to translate those ideas into practical applications.

Because in these 2 years I was away, I've sinned a lot. I go contrary to His will to do my own will.

I left the Church to search for answers in life. I've always believed in God, but not the way the Church says He should be.

After going through much of the darkest places on Earth, I've come to rationalize the way things should be.

I stepped into the church and felt that deep sense of infinite peace that I've never had all my life. It filled my heart and energized my soul. It filled me with shame from all the sins I've done in the past 2 years.

This is what has eluded me all my life.

I want to be a better person. I want to be someone with good direction. I want to understand who is God.

I've searched for all these answers everywhere, but in all the wrong places.

The more I try to break down life into easily discernible pieces, the more I see the necessity for God to exist. The more I study science, the more I see those theories describing the way He works.

God has given me many things. He gave me good brains and thought structure, a very healthy body and a good family to grow up with. And now I found peace through Him.

I want to make sense of all these graces He has granted me, and exploit them so not only can I be a better person, but also to bring good on others.

I did not arrive here because of a sudden need for comfort. It is the end of a long, long road in the search for meaning.

At the end of a truthful confession the priest said to me "And here I forgive all your sins, in the name of Jesus Christ. Go and sin no more."

I wish I can describe to you exactly how comforting that felt...

Why The Exit?

2010-11-01T12:36:00.006+08:00

The longer I spend away from the past, the more I see that leaving was the right choice.

For a past built upon false values and choices, no amount of effort can save it now, even if the corrective actions are based upon right values and choices.

The more I look back, the more I accept the larger amount of blame in its failure.

Precisely because of my wrong choices did things degrade. And the shame of making the wrong choices, I could never go back to the old system with that shame tied to my back.

Though I accept being the one of the major factors of this failure, I'm by no means the only one.

Unjustified and emotionally charged protectionism was one of the key initiating factors of this whole charade.

And the more I look back, the more I ask the unjustified Protector, how was it all your business?

And it is also based on this unjustified protectionism that I see no point of staying. It has happened before. No one saw it as a mistake, so am I fair to say it will happen again?

And with the odds heavily stacked against me, how can I be assured of a fair judgement the next time such choices were required of you? Will this unjustified protectionism rise up again to condemn me?

If so why should I burden myself to pay homage to such a system based so heavily upon injustice?

I want no part of this past injustice, I want no part of the present unsettled injustices, and I want no part of ANY possible injustices in future. Therefore I chose to follow the green exit sign on the ceiling.

It was my fault that I made the wrong choices when wise choices were required of me. But against the completely biased injustice of the Protector, I see no argument against that. Particularly when future occasions will require you, sub-consciously, to make such similar choices again.

Based upon a false justice system, upon the wrong choices of my past, and built upon my wrong values as the foundation, the wiser choice is to dump all of that and build one from scratch again.

For the dark past provides no hope but reminder of my past mistakes. It is only the future, now built upon a clean slate based on the right values, will there be any hope.

And I only saw hope when I let go of all these hate in return for peace.

Consider this as the final conclusion I have for this question, for dwelling on further in this mess only brings me further away from the from peace.

Not Those..

2010-10-29T13:33:00.007+08:00

Not those that brings us joy.

Not those that fan our excitement.

Not those that drive our fantasies.

Not those that bring us knowledge.

Not those that impose awe.

Not those that define our emotions.

Not those that form dreams or goals.

Not those that bring us hope.

But those that calm our souls.

But those that caress our hearts with warmth.

Those that makes time irrelevant.

Those that empty our minds.

Those that wipe away our hate.

Those bring us peace.

Those that make us stop.

And just float in their serene fluid.

The Truth

2010-10-28T09:52:00.012+08:00

In the beginning there was the Truth. At the moment of creation it has already been defined and its principles has not and will not change.

The Truth governed all that preceded creation. It governed the right and wrong, good and bad, Light and Dark, and all things that evolved and born. It gave atoms their form, planets their movement and the principles that allow life to breathe.

All ideas, be it the scientific laws, philosophy, or all the religions, are written by individuals who have reached out for and are touched by the Truth.

So what is the Truth?

It is an explanation on how all things work, be it questions on morality or science. It is absolute, perfect and without argument.

Gravity has performed its work long before Newton 'discovered' it. Newton did not discover gravity. He found a way to interpret it.

Likewise the Truth is present long before we are ever aware of its existence.

In our disputes each party has their own stand and concerns. It is wrong to say that both sides are justified in their own right, because when the dispute started one party must have incurred injustice on the other in order for the dispute to evolve.

The right or wrong to each question (or in the above case, a dispute) is ever present. It is always up to us to discover which is the correct party.

The concept being used to explain the right or the wrong is where the Truth lies.

This is not irrelevant philosophy reserved for the megaminds. It concerns how you and I will live out our lives in search of this Truth.

Because without the Truth there will be no right or wrong. Without right or wrong there will be no justice. Without a functional system of justice in our lives, how can live our lives in security, and die in peace that justice will continue to function?

To be continued...

A Beautiful Person

2010-10-25T11:22:00.004+08:00

Beauty in appearance alone is not beauty at all.

It comes in many forms, sometimes not immediately comprehensible to us.

Appearance changes and morphs with time. What is attractive now will not stay so forever.

Beauty is lasting and sustainable. It stands the test of time and posses its own unique personality.

It comes in a package, with a good mix of certain things

Beauty come in forms of...

Devotion

Richness in Thought

Ideology

Logic

Purity

Wholeness

Strength with Discretion

Justice and Fairness

Truth

Love

Humility

Empathy

The Light

Grace

The least important but often the one most heavily weighed upon is raw Appearance.

I do not judge the rest. Are we all not guilty of falling to the lure of Appearances?

2 months later...

2010-10-20T12:48:00.004+08:00

Just 2 months ago I wouldn't be able to imagine being where I am now.

2 months ago I was still fully enjoying being who I was. No fear of threats or the future at all, and being absolutely convinced that the path I had chosen was right. It was comfortable, but signs for things to go seriously wrong were already present.

Then came the Collapse. To me it was a predictable outcome at the end of a logical progression of events many months in the making. It was great, for it drove home the need for drastic change, and to abandon most of the values I held dear.

Without the Collapse there would have been no chance to think, reflect, evaluate and create a better system. You must first destroy the fortress in order to have a chance to build a better one all over again.

It is a new system based on very different values, and it has already passed its first series of tests. Of course, there is still a lot to be done.

Without hate and contempt, my mind is clear, and I have peace.

This peace that I have now is so precious. It provides me a safe harbor to repair the damage, and to think about the way ahead. For the first time in months, I get a chance to think about life without any prejudice.

I don't see any reason to doubt or fear the future. The Light has already shone a path for me, and it will give me wisdom to make sense of the darkness ahead.

The future is mine to lose.

Let others do the Hating

2010-10-18T10:48:00.004+08:00

Life should be about pursuing and achieving happiness.

A simple purpose, but complicated when you consider the lengths that we must go through in order to obtain some of that.

The world we live in is a tremendously complicated arena, and not everyone has the ability to truly understand or even recognize its complexity.

Everyone is working towards their own goals, and establishing their own place in this world. The result is a massive labyrinth that blurs the line between light and dark. It consumes the many souls trying to find their way through it in search of purpose and happiness. Many are lost in the many dead ends, dark passageways or tricked by the demons lurking in its depths.

We all try to make sense out of this struggle. Some go through this everyday and are not even sure what are they working for.

We need to go through blood and sweat in order to truly savour and appreciate the sweetness that comes with happiness. No one treasures the happiness that comes as freely as air.

There is so much to be done, so much to be understood. Why waste time on hate?

Let others to the hating. Let those lost in the dark play their pranks of childishness. Hate is an incredible waste of energy that serves no other purpose other than naive emotional gratification. Not forgetting that it twists the good in all men.

Would you rather stop and feed the fires to burn what has past, or just leave it be and move on to continue searching for happiness?

The past is gone and no longer relevant. No point devoting yourself to hate anymore.

Filling the Void

2010-10-17T11:00:00.004+08:00

There is an ever existent void in me that I've been trying all my life to get it filled. A void because I believe all men are born flawed into this world, without the understanding of a certain Truth.

I've been filling it up with the wrong things. The more I pour into this void, the larger it becomes.

Being non-existent is perfect, without form, desire, emotion or error. But the very act of coming into physical existence means being forced to accept a world filled with imperfections.

We make errors and there are so many things we don't understand, simply because we are human and limited by our minds' ability to comprehend the Truth. Perfection can only come when we have complete understanding of everything around us.

While we cannot achieve true perfection, we can become close to it. It is the same as while we cannot achieve complete happiness doesn't mean we don't fill our lives with any happiness at all.

To me, happiness comes naturally with understanding. Not just of people, but the ability to explain the things happening around us.

And I found the partial answer to this void is Light. It inspires me to achieve this understanding, and it fills up the massive vacuum within me. I feel joy of a very lasting kind that does not fade after the heat of the moment has passed.

I don't want to know what the others tell me about Light, because by all accounts they seem to be very illogical. I want to understand it myself and perhaps even come up with a better way to explain it.

It is so comforting and liberating. This is how weekends should be.

Here to stay

2010-10-15T17:21:00.003+08:00

The photographs, random flashes of memory, all echoes from the past.

What massive chaos they stir in this orderly system.

There are some things you can never hide from. History cannot simply be erased and forgotten. They have indeed happened before, made solid in marble and into reality. They are here to stay.

The reason for doing all these in the first place was that I don't want to live a lie. So I will not trade one lie for another.

Let me grill in the fires, no matter how searing they are. Let reality correct and balance me.

It is all these that will make me stronger.

The Next Step

2010-10-13T18:22:00.003+08:00

Moving on to the next step.

The warmth of the past is now gone and never to return. Maintaining emotional attachment to that warmth is no longer necessary. Having accepted this reality, time to crack down on the more difficult issues.

Don't check on the past anymore. Don't attempt to peek and see how things are now. Don't do all these for the sake of simple emotional gratifications. Don't even bother.

To continue doing these is to maintain the painful bond to what has past, prolonging the agony.

There is now enough strength and sense to finally weed out this subconscious and stubborn attachment.

Brush aside all other emotional concerns and pain. It must be done.

And do it I shall. That is a promise.

The Tunnel

2010-10-11T16:30:00.010+08:00

The Tunnel is a scary place. Its darkness impenetrable, the air damp, musty and chilly. You hear sounds you cannot explain echoing from its depths. Sometimes fear grip you so bad you just stop and let it eat your mind alive.

The warmth that you once had seem like a lost Legend. The smiles of the close ones you once knew seem like myths passed down to you by your ancestors. They seem so incredible and distant.

It is lonely. You are the only one walking along its entire length. The only person you can talk to is yourself. You scream but the only response are the echoes from the walls. You hold many thoughts of the past, but no one else can hear you, no one else can reach you, and no one bothers.

You don't know when or where it will end. You can't go back, because the world you once knew is gone. At some places there are crossroads, and you have to make choices without any clues.

You only have a flashlight that lights up only a few steps in front of you. Sometimes its power dies down and you have nothing to light the way. You let the voice inside guide you along. Sometimes it is right, sometimes it is wrong.

You are alone, cold, without sight and there are many things luring you to insanity.

But at least you are isolated from the carnage above. The conditions are depressing, but physically you're safe. You can continue walking down its dark hallways knowing nothing will take your flesh away.

The lack of warmth from those of the past forces you to evolve ways to make do with what is present and generate the warmth yourself.

That loneliness gives you strength. It cultivates an internal system that allows you to settle grievances by yourself, no longer dependent on other people to do it. Because you know, a long, long time ago, that if all else fails all you are left with is yourself.

You don't stop to reason, because there's nothing left to reason with. You live off that strength and keep pressing on, until you reach the other end.

And you know that at the other end, you are given the promise of a better world to live in.

That gave me the strength to continue walking, day by day getting stronger to the dark and cold, and steadily ignoring the loneliness that screams constantly into my ears.

That strength is all I need. And I will find the way out myself.

Far, far away...

2010-10-08T14:46:00.007+08:00

Being in a land far, far away is good for healing the soul and soothing the mind.

Those concerns and thoughts seem so far away, tucked in a drawer back at home, where its calls are silenced by the sheer weight of distance.

I'm learning to relax, to step down from the state of general alert initiated at the height of the crisis. Most of all, I'm learning the how to subdue things myself, not letting them leave my mind and manifest themselves to those around me.

I want to relax, but I cannot ignore the work that must be done to reform a mangled internal system.

There are so many things that remind me of those good old times down here. Things were so different then.

Alas I can only read them like how a curious scholar plow the pages of an old history book. He makes conclusions, but he knows that he cannot fight the solidity of this reality. It is carved in stone, and no amount of strength can erase that history away.

It is only right to remember the mistakes, the foolishness, the joys, the madness and the passion of this passing era.

Good swords can only be forged in great heat. Perhaps good men are also forged in great adversities.

Holding on to history is maddening, but it is a madness I have to deal with, and let this struggle from insanity forge me into something greater.

Life is fair. No pain no gain

2010-10-06T22:30:00.003+08:00

Life is simple. You make choices and never look back. Don't settle for half measures. Do it with all your heart. Have no regrets. No pain no gain.

Life is complex, because there is no one-size-fits-all solution to its problems. We require multiple solutions, and most of the time they don't agree with each other.

Life is fair, because all things happen for a reason. We just need to find out why they happened. The very fact that something happened means it is fair, and it is up to us to discover WHY it is fair.

You can't be in two places at once. We need to make a choice based on what we think will be worth it. If you want something, you pay the price for it, be it in effort or emotions. If you choose not to pay the price, then don't complain that it cannot be your's.

Life is delusional, because some things that was thought be real turn out to be lesser, or to be fake altogether. We thought it was beautiful, but when we peered through the veil it became our worst nightmare. It drove us mad.

Life is tricky, because what is fair may not be right. And what is right may not be the best. What's worse, doing something that is best but not right, or doing what is right but forgo the chance to do what is best?

But for sure, the worst is not deciding at all, and let what was foreseen to be devastation become real.

There are times when we MUST make a choice, based on whatever knowledge that we have on hand. It might not be right or be the best solution, but in such dire times making a decision is better than no decision at all.

That is what I've done. I know what it is that I want, I planned how to get it, and accepted all the costs necessary to achieve it.

No complains, no cries about the pain, no regrets. Just never stop looking forward with tireless determination.

Something went wrong, somewhere

2010-10-05T17:16:00.008+08:00

What went wrong? What had been fair or unfair, who had been right or wrong? What does this mean for the future?

It is always fitting to ponder these questions whenever something went wrong. Let's face it, something DID went terribly wrong, but nobody has a clear and fair answer what is it.

So what I need now is calm and peace. Slowly the dust will settle down, and with a clear mind I can begin the systematic search through the wreckage to find out what went wrong.

And I have a wealth of highly relevant data to start with. This is after all not the first time it has happened.

What is dead will never breathe again. Its no use speculating over who could have done what to prevent this end. What does matter is to fairly discern what happened, how it happened and why it happened, and let these teach us more about the world ahead.

I'm going to do this myself, and take on the challenge to find the fair answers.

Other than that, I'm never looking back again.

The Chaff from the Wheat

2010-10-04T10:54:00.008+08:00

The weekend was awesome!

Many thanks to all who attended my 21st birthday celebration.

I want to extend special thanks to friends who have went way beyond what is required of them to render assistance to me whenever possible.

All the times carrying stuff, starting the fires, cooking under full-blast charcoal heat, or even to be just present with me throughout important times, no amount of thank you is enough.

Now that all these are over, it is time to separate the chaff from the wheat, to do what has a long time been common sense.

I don't want anything anymore.

No more facing those false smiles and false extensions of goodwill.

I just want some unpolluted peace with those who truly mattered.

Those whom I've neglected for the sake of false causes, but these are the ones who never left.

It is time to take back the initiative and control of my life. No more being at the mercy of external elements.

All is set. The opening decisive moves have been made. Now it is all up to me to find the way.

Freedom. It never felt so sweet and serene.

Full Circle

2010-10-02T00:13:00.004+08:00

Well I guess the day is here.

When I wake up 8 hours later its going to be a long, long day ahead.

Everything will come full circle, and the final pieces of the puzzle will fall into place.

The one last dance before the show is up.

That is all.

When it is more economical to fail

2010-09-30T10:41:00.003+08:00

Each day more and more of the future are planned and laid before me. Each day it becomes clearer on how things will be. The clearer it is, the more comfortable I am.

National Service is just one month away, where all of these dynamics in the civilian world will suddenly be made irrelevant. But that does not mean I'll accept flawed policies even for this short amount of time.

It is important to get things right now, so that I have a working blueprint to work on interactions within the Army. Also, it ensures that I get the most out of remaining month as a civilian.

Things are slowly changing, with most of them starting within me, which in turn will provide the necessary infrastructure for changes elsewhere.

It was good to have known that the old system failed. The knowledge of this failure suddenly made crafting an entirely new system an economical choice.

The end product will be radically different from things now. I cannot say it'll be better, but at least it'll be without the basic flaws the old system had. At most I'll dump the new system and make one all over again.

Sure, this old system has brought me many joys, new insights and favours. But it is plagued with damning flaws, and we must not let old times sake drag us down when we plan for the future.

Why be taboo about failures? There are times where it is more economical to let a system fail and build a new one from scratch, than to spend all those energy and attention in pointless perseverance just to keep it going.

With each failure you learn why it failed, you see its flaws. You open up, you are more absorbent to new ideas, and with prudence you end up with a better system. If you never admit failure, you'll never know your own flaws, and you'll forever remain with the same amount of flaws.

I look forward to greener pastures ahead, and bid goodbye to this charred, frosty mess of what remains of the old system.

The Reconstruction

2010-09-27T10:21:00.005+08:00

Things are returning to normal. The months of bad blood and tensions are slowly receeding into their dark lairs.

I cannot imagine a moment in recent times feeling more relieved than when a long running issue with a an important friend has been resolved. At least the channels for communication and problem resultion are open once again. At least we can be normal again.

I guess this is the best way things can end up. Of course I would prefer these internal 'knots' to be untied than being left alone to fade into Time. To have the closed doors reopened again and have all of us sit down to chill without hard feelings is the best possible exit scenario possible.

But 'NORMAL doesn't mean 'IDEAL'.

This crisis revealed some very fundemental faults in me. I have the blueprints to make the reforms. I just have to perservere and make sure they see it through.

Things will never be the same again. When weeds are allowed to grow, they sink their roots deep into the soil. When you pull these weeds out, they do some serious disruption to the soil around them. You would of course prefer, that these weeds never grew in the first place, and nothing will get messy in the end.

But at least the 'Weed Terror' is over. I have a good plot of land to start over again. Now it is up to me to have a good infrastructure in place so that the weeds never come back, or at least reach alert levels again.

The reconstruction is now in full swing. These will be interesting times ahead...

Meaningful Weekend

2010-09-26T21:28:00.009+08:00

This is probably one of most meaningful, self-designed weekend I've ever had.

It is not a weekend that most people will look for. No shopping, great food, visiting interesting places or people.

But I've learnt and experienced so many new things and met a lot of new people.

I've met people driven by very different things. They are very positive, always on the search for meaningful things in life. No matter the sweat, dirt or energy needed. Its the meaning derived from these actions that count.

For the first time in my life I dug a hole deeper than half of my body length, stepped on clay to mold them into shape and made mud bricks.

And who knew waiting for prawns to eat your bait can be so fun?

I should have started doing these things a long time ago. This is how life should be like.

Weekends shouldn't be about waiting for others to plan activities for you. Go out there and look for it yourself.

I'm addicted to this kind of life. Give me more.

Problems

2010-09-22T16:49:00.002+08:00

Sometimes you spot the potential for a problem long before it surfaces. If you know how, you'll make sure it never becomes true. If you don't know how, you brace yourself when it hits.

Some things are never percieved as problems until they start causing problems. You always thought they are insignificant and can be allowed to exist. You need not spend any effort to remove them.

Some problems are ignored for too long. You feel the inconvenience or the pain, but because its not worth the effort to get rid of it once and for all, you allowed them to stay. Until it becomes bad enough and its worth to get rid of it.

Some problems are not even discovered at all. They may cause their share of trouble but it simply disappears after they are spent.

The worst kind are problems are those that are those that went undetected due to your ignorance, and discovered only when they have nearly completed manifesting themselves.

They are only seen and understood when everything else is too late...

The Righteous Cause

2010-09-20T12:19:00.003+08:00

I've always said that an imbalance in a system will always correct itself.

Saying is not the same as believing. I keep tempting myself to cheat this rule, to think that I have substantial influence to change things for the better.

Well now is the time to start believing if I haven't been doing so, and to put this concept to its first serious test.

It is not so much of the outcome. As long as it does not kill us, we will always find our place in the world, no matter what it becomes.

It is about the justness of the cause that I believe it.

As long as your cause is righteous, and your intentions just, theres no need to fear how the outcome will be.

If you fail, you fail for a righteous cause. If you win, then you gain victory with double its meaning.

When all else is lost the least you can hope for is that the cause you've always been fighting for is right.

I believe my cause, and the actions that resulted from fulfilling that cause, is just. There are errors in executing these actions, but I believe my intentions are right.

If I am wrong, let Time punish me for it, and I'll pay the price like everyone else did.

I will pay, either in life or in front of the Almighty.

Evil is the exception rather than the rule.

The problem is, knowing which side is evil and which is not...

A Life of Nonsense

2010-09-17T10:34:00.005+08:00

Life cannot be too exact.

It must be filled with things that are not exactly necessary. I mean those things or thoughts that are created without goal in mind, the pointless, vain, nonsensical, and even the absurd. Like the little smiley face ball on your desk, taking the longer way to work just for a change of scenery, shifting an object just because you're happy, or that silly face you give your friend for no apparent reason.

Because it is these that stops our life from slipping into being just computer codes, being absolutely logical, rational and utilitarian. Only life-forms blessed with imagination have the luxury to give nonsense.

It is human to accept the nonsensical and absurd. If we don't let our minds reign free in nonsense, we'll forever be stuck in the logical and familiar part of our world. You are restricted by reality, with everything becoming absolute and excessively clear. We stop being and feeling like humans, ending up like machines with pre-written codes designed to handle only the things it can see.

We become slaves to our natural instinct to survive, concerned only with absolute figures and power. We stop dreaming, we stop thinking about the things we cannot see. It is a step backward.

We stop being a 'he' or 'she'. We become the 'it'.

Because the world is not made by people who can only see and master the present. The world is made by dreamers who are good at turning fantasy into reality. By this I mean the philosopher who translates the intangible twirl of his inner thoughts into readable language, or the inventor that turns his fantasies of creating convinience into usable hardware.

Its is these, and not just absolute reality, that advance our understanding of the world.

The key here is the vision for the absurd, along the ability and audacity to dream. If for the fear of the unknown we stop dreaming, or restrict the extent of our dreams, then our understanding will always remain stagnant.

A person who only sees reality is limited by what reality offers. A person who rejects reality to a certain extent, is limited only by his absurdity.

A life that is exact is finite. The string of computer codes to describe this finite world is also finite. Some day we'll finish reading them, and we'll end up with nothing...

Don't get too comfortable

2010-09-16T10:43:00.002+08:00

Life keeps telling me to move on.

Society keeps changing. The state announces new policies and sets new mindsets everyday. New trends are constantly being brought to the surface. A new arts performance or exhibition brings minute but long lasting changes to society as a whole. Hordes of travellers and businessmen travel to new places everyday and bring those ideas back to society.

Our mood keeps changing. You wake up to a seemly ideal morning only to be punctuated by unexplained bursts of pessimism. You see a little something or someone that swings your mood the other way round. You turn optimistic because of a bright sunny day. You are pissed simply because people don't realized your change. You are pissed because she is pissed.

The world keeps changing. Fortunes and fames are made or broken. The US or EU introduces a new domestic policy that affects international trade halfway around the world. A new disaster or accident shocks the world. Politicians that care or don't care. Oil prices on a new high. China flexes its diplomatic muscle again, Thailand protesting again, Taiwan politicians screaming again.

The people we know keep changing. Strangers coming into our lives, people coming and going, or that somewhat familiar face on the street. We advance a friendship or vendetta, bringing people closer or keeping our distance. We judge, we build profiles of people. We hear secrets, build new secrets and keep secrets. Old friends turned bad or good, old friends leaving or returning.

How can I afford to stay still when all these are going on around me? It is expensive to lag behind only to catch up again later. I don't know how much will be lost when people move along with change while you struggle to catch up.

It is scary to be swept aside by the force of history and change, and fade into insignificance. To be in decline, marked as a sub-optimal person or a social misfit, it is like paying the price of failure long before it is due to arrive.

Keep up or become irrelevant. Once irrelevant you'll soon be obsolete, only capable of surviving in very specific situations, but fail when reality pays you a visit. Don't flee, face the truth. Make conclusions based on the whole picture, and not on selected facts.

Change is scary because it converts the comfortable known into the unknown. But look on the bright side, if you have always done it right, chances are the unknown will most probably turn out to be good. If not then find out what's wrong and try again.

Don't get too comfortable. If the result don't hurt you, you'll end up hurting yourself...

Is it worth it?

2010-09-15T13:27:00.006+08:00

Forgetting someone is about resolving a question.

This big 'question' is composed of other smaller questions, which must be answered before your heart can be convinced to leave.

Only your mind can supply the answers.

As more and more of the questions get resolved, it becomes easier to let it go. A steadily larger portion of that feeling gets detached from you.

Many people see resolving these questions as painful and tedious. But each answer gives you greater understanding about yourself. The emotional price is worth it to gain such understanding. The next time round will be better.

Be careful of where you get these answers. It'll affect who you'll change into. Don't select the wrong answers and end up changing into something lesser than what you started out with.

One of the most nagging questions to pop up will be: 'Is it worth your effort?"

It depends on how you see it, and what you consider as gains. Each equation used to rationalize the whole affair gives a different answer.

As for me, I select the equations that tells me it is worth...

A Plan is a Promise

2010-09-14T12:06:00.005+08:00

"A plan, once confirmed and endorsed, becomes a promise and a purpose in its own right.

It must be pursued till the end unless its purpose had already been made irrelevant. It must be flexible enough to accomodate most reasonable contingencies, yet not till the point where the original purpose is lost.

It is a promise. You betray yourself and others involved in the plan when you break this promise."

This is a plan that governs friendship.

It has started. Don't let it stop. Break out of that small unreliable space assigned to you by the others. Go out and secure an Empire for yourself.